Life Of The Espadas
by Hunterling
Summary: Just random stories revolving around the espada with minor plot arcs and so on. No particular order or major plot.
1. Justice calls

Espada Meeting

The espada formally walked into the meeting room and took their respective seats and positions.

"Hey Halibel, why do you always sit in front of that old man if you claim to not like him? Are you secretly into old men?" Asked Nnoitra.

"Hey Nnoitra, why do you sit in front of Szayel Aporro when he tries to rape you in your sleep? Are you secretly into that sort of thing?"

"Oh Halibel I would never rape someone in their sleep. I would clone them and rape that clone while he's asleep and have him call my name as well."

"Szayel can you stop that? I don't want Lillinette to here you and Nnoitra fornicating." Said Starrk.

"And you are not bothered with Halibel fornicating with her fraccion?"

"Stop trying to pin this on me. Just because your stupid girlfriend left you doesn't mean I am willing to be interacting with you anymore than she did."

"Nnoitra. She's got a point. Neliel was the only woman who willingly paid attention to you." Grimmjow leaned in.

"She is also the only woman who let you touch her." Szayel Aporro added.

"Guys shut up. That last part was because I was drunk on booze."

"So you are willing to sleep with her but not me? I aaam quite offended."

"Shut up Szayel. I am not gay. Gay arrancar don't have hollow holes."

"Halibel." The pink haired arrancar whispered.

"Shut up. Your hair's pink."

"Your the odd one out of this party though!"

"Do you espada have anything better to do than slit eachothers throats?" Asked Ulquiorra.

"Slitting your throat would be a nice way to start a morning." Said Grimmjow.

"Ulquiorra I saw you peak on pet-sama when she was showering." Said Nnoitra.

"I had to check if she was okay."

"Check? As in check her out?"

"Non of your business."

"Emo clowns got a lover. I knew it."

"Lets place a bet to see how long it takes before Ulquiorra confesses his undying love to Orihime." Said Grimmjow.

"Put me down 50 for when she falls in love with someone stronger than him." Said Tia.

"200 Says after this meeting." Szayel Aporro smiled.

"How are you going to make that happen?" Asked Grimmjow.

"70 Says when I am King of Hueco Mundo and force him to."

"Like you would be king Barragan." Szayel Aporro laughed.

"Szayel didn't you try to takee nude pictures of Barragan?" Asked Ulquiorra.

"Ew!"

"That's disgusting!"

"What the fuck?"

"Are you alright Szayel?"

"Didn't I hear you talk in your sleep? Something about Orihime and taking her virginity?"

"That is nothing like Ulquiorra. But entirely possible."

Aizen, Gin and Tousen finally walked into the room and took their respedtive seats.

"Hello espada. I have something very special planned today. First I have a question. Do you take cream or sugar with your waste of time?"

The espada began to complain out loud.

"Okay okay relax espada. Today, Tousen is going to teach you about justice."

Every espada in the room save for Ulquiorra had a massively depressed facial expression.

"Why Aizen? Why justice?"

"Would you rather Gin educate you on how to fight as a team? Like I want to get through before we start fighting captains."

"I think I am okay with the justice now that I think of it."

"Yeah justice sounds way better."

"Exactly."

"Go justice!"

3 Hours later

Every espada was almost driven to insanity from Tousens voice.

"Then justice said that he was truth before dying on the cross of justice. When justice died, the skies immediately turned black and his evil brother injustice came out and started terrorizing the nearby village of Justiceville."

"How much justice does it take to get these espada to work more effectively?" Asked Aizen.


	2. Grimmjow vs Szayel And Ulquiorra

Grimmjow vs Ulquiorra and Szayel

"So we have ourselves a deal?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"Precisely."

Grimmjow took notice of Ulquiorra and Szayel Aporro shaking hands.

"Hey what is this? Ulquiorra you turned gay or something?"

"The amount of time you spend with Ichigo, I could ask you the same thing."

"Why you little brat!" Grimmjow charged toward Ulquiorra only to be held back by Szayel.

"Hey Grimmjow. You are feel quite hot and strong. I'd like to see these quaalities in my bed." Szayel chuckled as Grimmjow tried to attack Szayel only to be held by Ulquiorra.

"You have anger issues Grimmjow. He just complimented you in a good way. Why can't you ask him what he wants in return?"

"You stupid!"

Szayel caught Grimmjow as he tried to attack Ulquiorra.

"Wow, your quite lively. Maybe you could be my little experiment."

The positions changed again.

"As I said. Anger issues. Why can't you at least act friendly around your fellow espada."

Once again the positions changed.

"Wow Grimmjow. At least give me time to adjust to this new position."

XXXXXXXX

Espada Fun Fact

Espadas are experts at beating the shit out of their opponents and still losing. Yammy is a bit of a weird case but everyone else applies.

Every espada literally beat their opponent until they were killed or lost.

Starrk was owning everyone until Lillinette died

Barragan was winning the entire battle until he died

Halibel was blitzing Toshiro but ended up frozen somehow then she fought of Toshiro and the vizards before getting finished by Aizen

Ulquiorra killed Ichigo and severely hurt Uryu till the hollow soul came out

Nnoitra nearly killed Kenpachi until he got kendo'd and then sliced up

Grimmjow overpowered hollow mask Ichigo until he renewed his will to fight Grimmjow

Zommari could've beat Byakuya any time but he messed around until Byakuya used his bankai

Szayel Aporro Granz bested Renji, Uryu, Pesche, Dondochakka and appeared to have gotten Mayuri on every turn until he began to die over the course of the next thousand years

Aaroniero blitzed Rukia and nearly killed her until she pierced his head and suddenly killed him

Luppi was blitzing everyone meaning Yumichika, Rangiku, Ikkaku and Toshiro but Toshiro caught him off guard and defeated him

Neliel was beating Nnoitra in every way imaginable and lost due to Szayel's device while the second time, she overpowered Nnoitra massively but turned into a child at the worst moment

XXXXXXXXX

Kenpachi and Nnoitra fought furiously trading and blocking blows.

"If I keep this up, I might die. Oh well time to deploy a tactic... how the hell did you end up dying?"

Kenpachi stared at Nnoitra's suddenly dead corpse


	3. It's Not Pink It's Lightish Red

It's Not Pink

Aizen walked into the meeting room.

"Hello espada. I would like you to meet our newest members. Szayel Aporro Granz and Tia Halibel. You can also call her Tier Harribel but that just sound horribel. Also Nnoitra is espada number 5 now."

"Dammit. Why are women always higher ranking than me?"

"Hey Nnoitra. Now that I'm an espada, can we start dating?"

"No."

"Why. You said not until you become an espada and now I am an espada."

"You're not my type Szayel."

"First impressions of the promotion and new recruit, not great." Said Starrk.

"Why do you have pink hair?" Grimmjow asked.

"First of all its not pink its lightish red. Second why is your hair blue?"

"Chicks love blue hair. Also they already have a color for lightish red. Its called pink."

"Now days the espada are getting worse and worse." Said Barragan.

"You are color blind. This is clearly lightish red."

"Color blind? My hair is this shade blue for a reason you jackass."

"I can see the espada are getting along fine it looks like. Did anyone stop to notice that Halibel is a woman?" Asked Aizen.

"Meh. She is gay." Said Nnoitra.

"What a massively insensitive thing to say." Said Ulquiorra.

"What did you call me?"

"Gay. I called you gay. You are a lesbian."

"If I learned anything, lesbians are not at all helpful." Grimmjow muttered.

"How would you know that she is a lesbian?" Asked Aizen.

"I have seen gay arrancar and they all have one thing in common. They don't have hollow holes. Or to be more technical their hollow holes are in a germ cell area."

"What a coincidence. My hollow hole is also in that area."

"Shut up Szayel you are just proving his point." Grimmjow interrupted.

Halibel walked out of the room.

"Whoa were are you going new espada number 3?" Aizen asked.

"I am going to do something that non of the espada except the one with light red hair needs to know about." The Vasto Lorde walked out of the room.

"What did I tell you all. She even refrained from calling Szayel's hair pink." Nnoitra bragged.

"Its not pink! It's lightish red!"

"Calm down miss. I'll go get you a tissue if you need one." Said Aizen.

"I am a man Aizen." Szayel growled.

"Shut up Szayel, I am talking to the espada Nnoitra just pissed off."

"Hey Nnoitra, now you know how challenging being the fifth espada with a single fraccion is." Grimmjow snickered.

"Hey Nnoitra. You might want to apologize to our third espada before she tears you a new one." Said Aizen.

"I don't apologize to women or gays."

This scene is censored because of how terribly Halibel beats up Nnoitra.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Espada Fun Fact

Halibel and Szayel's hollow holes are actually in the same place. Halibel's is where her whom is and Szayel's is where his dick is. Wait, how does he rape people without a dick?


	4. World Explodes

The World Explodes

There was one espada missing from the meeting. It was espada number 4 Ulquiorra.

"Wow. Ulquiorra's running late." Said Grimmjow.

"Well there could be some accident on the way here Ulquiorra is fixing up." Said Aizen.

Ulquiorra arrived through the door of the room.

"Hey Ulquiorra. Why are you late?" Aizen asked.

"I would rather not say."

"Come on Ulquiorra. You can tell your fellow espada anything."

The espada peaked over to face Ulquiorra.

"I know that's not true. The espada are the exact opposite of comforting and supportive. More like each member is designed to drag you down in their own special way."

"Well espada. We are going to be supporting Ulquiorra or we can let Tousen give us a justice lecture."

"Come on Ulquiorra what happened."

"I will not tell anyone."

"I will only make fun of you a little."

"The woman slapped me."

Everyones eyes turned to the size of dinner plates. Gin leaned closer to Aizen.

"Is this part of your plan?" Gin asked.

"Don't worry it totally is." Aizen replied.

20 minutes later

"And after that, I decided I would never date a woman again!" Szayel cried.

"Between all of us, I thought I would be the first one to cry but this room is practically funeral." Said Ulquiorra.

"Guys, Ulquiorra must be the strongest person we know, to get turned down like that and still go on." Grimmjow cried.

"Come on Ulquiorra. Just ask her out and succeed where we have failed." Cried Nnoitra.

"Don't grow old and alone like me!" If Barragan's tear ducts worked he to would bee crying.

"I am the only person in this room who isn't crying. It is beginning to become weird."

XXXXXXXXXX

Espada Fun Fact

Ulquiorra is terrible with letting women get emotionally attached as he finds the need to tell them that they will die alone or kill their best friend in front of their eyes with cero oscuras or be a nihilist infront of their eyes.

In the Vasto Lorde intelligence charts he is ranked 4th smartest which 4 is also his espada rank


	5. Starrk's Reaction To Mirror

Starrk's reaction to Mirror Mirror

(Mirror Mirror is a song from an anime called RWBY)

Mirror, tell me something,

Tell me who's the loneliest of all?

Mirror, tell me something,

Tell me who's the loneliest of all?

Fear of what's inside of me;

Tell me can a heart be turned to stone?

Mirror, mirror, what's behind you?

Save me from the things I see!

I can keep it from the world,

Why won't you let me hide from me?

Mirror, mirror, tell me something,

Who's the loneliest of all?

I'm the loneliest of all.

"I am leaving Bleach and I am joining RWBY right after I take this nap."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Espada Fun Fact

Starrk would do a whole lot better if he had been part of the RWBY universe and he wouldn't have suffered his solitude dilema. Also he as a gun!


	6. 10 Rules Of Starrk

10 Rules Starrk Lives By

1\. The farther away it is, the less important it is

2\. Don't go all out. It's too much energy.

3\. If you spill water, it will eventually dry

4\. Lock Door so Szayel doesn't rape you

5\. Don't charge phone unless it says 5% remaining

6\. Never feed Lillinette sugar before sleeping

7\. Screw the terms and conditions. Just hit accept.

8\. Why make your bed when you will hop in it again?

9\. If your late, don't go.

10\. If you drop an ice cube, kick it under the fridge.

The only hard part of this list is keeping Lillinette away from any sugar.

"I should start living by these rules. Thanks author for giving me this list."

"Your welcome Starrk. Its coming out of your screen time by the way."

"Dammit. Well I can't be bothered to argue about it."


	7. 1st Battle of FKT Part 1

Battle Of Fake Karakura Town

Ichigo vs Ulquiorra

"Hey woman. Aizen said you are no longer useful to me and that the heroes are free to rescue you. It would make my job easier but I will just not kill you."

"Why? Is it so you can give Ichigo a reason to fight you?"

"Yes but I also wish you knew how to take a hint."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Orihime Fun Fact

Orihime does not know how to take a hint that Ichigo doesn't like her but Ulquiorra does

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Orihime I have come to rescue you-oh crap."

"What's wrong Ichigo?"

"Ulquiorra is what's wrong."

"Hello Ichigo Kurosaki. Use your full power."

"I already have my bankai out."

"No your other full power."

"I can't."

"Well I will just kill you then."

Ulquiorra then made a terrible swordsman move and just ran at Ichigo at full speed with his sword pointing outward. Ichigo easily dodged it.

"All the sudden I can suddenly read your attacks. Its unlikely I have become more hollow and maybe you became more human."

"You fool. I am a Vasto Lorde. Of course I look human."

"No I mean you finally grown a heart."

"What is a heart Ichigo?"

"God dammit. I mean you finally grown emotions."

"Your an idiot. I only fell in love with the woman for a month at most."

"Did you just say you fell in love with her?"

"I never said that."

"If that's the case I won't fight you all out than."

"Fine. I will just fire a cero at Orihime."

"Go on then."

Ulquiorra charged a cero but fired it at the ground at the last moment.

"You missed."

"You see the sun reflected off the floor so it only looks like I missed her but she is dead."

"You're an idiot. Orihime is still alive and the floor is what is hurt."

"How dare you call me human, say I have a heart which I don't know what it is or say I have emotions."

"Your voice is changing. It looks like you do have emotions and I just hurt them."

"Piss off."

"Alright just let me take Orihime and go."

"No."

"What is stopping me from taking Orihime and leaving?"

"I am."

"Who asked you to?"

"Aizen."

"Aizen said that I was useless to him and there is no reason I should remain alive but you haven't killed me yet."

"I just want to defend her."

"Defend her from what? I'm not going to do anything."

"Guys I am being attacked by Aizen's fangirls!"

Ichigo sighed.

"If you use getsuga tenshou, you will end up..."

"Getsuga Tenshou."

Ulquiorra blocked that attack by deflecting it.

"Ulquiorra?"

"Shut up Loly I didn't block it for the likes of you."

"Who did you block it for then?"

"Ulquiorra is in love with Orihime."

After an hour

"Now that you've finally used your vizard mask, I will crush you when I am not even at my full power."

"Stop stressing it out. I know you are more powerful than I am."

"No you don't. Why do you keep fighting me?"

"Because I have no other choice dumbass."

"So you think you are stronger than me?"

This scene is censored because of how terribly Ulquiorra beats up Ichigo.

"Before I kill you, I want to know do you still think you are stronger than me?"

"No. I never ever said I was stronger than you."

"Well I am winning. I might as well use it. Resurreccion Segunda Etapa."

"Behold I am emo batman and I will kill you for thinking you are smarter than me and not telling me what a heart is."

"God dammit. Ulquiorra I have a last request."

"Okay what is it?"

"Tell Orihime how you feel. And stop being an asshole to her. You will never be with her if you are an asshole."

"Woman! Ichigo said he loves you. Also I am going to kill your friend!"

"I apologize. That came out wrong."

"Woman! I despise every second of being around you."

"Real smooth Ulquiorra."

"Let me try again. I am going to blow a cero through your friends body."

"Ulquiorra is trying to confess is feelings for you."

A few minutes later hollow Ichigo shows up and beats up Ulquiorra.

"Hey Ulquiorra. What the hell happened to you? You look like a piece of paper."

"How dare you call me that! But highspeed regeneration is not working out for me."

"Let me attach you to a kite and give you to Orihime."

"I finally figured out what a heart is."

"You finally sprung emotions after my hollow soul had to beat the crap out of you to get to the chewy emotional center."

"I will cero you."

Ulquiorra began evaporating to dust.

"Oh. Well bye bye Ulquiorra. Ulquihime is no more. Instead Ichihime will triumph."

"Fuck you. Oh by the way Orihime I want to hold your hand before I die. I also want to be an asshole at least one more time."

"This is the most emotion I have ever seen you show." Said Orihime.

"Give me a break I am dying. Peace out losers. Also I am stronger than Aizen. Remember Batman vs Superman also..." Ulquiorra finally faded to nonexistence.

"That was very unusual." Said Orihime.

"People have a change of heart when they are faced with death."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Espada Fun Fact

While it is unknown if Ulquiorra fell in love with Orihime, it is true that Ulquiorra never felt any emotions until he met Orihime. In my opinion, Ulquiorra definitely fell in love with her and that is why the twelfth opening of Bleach is my favourite.


	8. 1st Battle of FKT Part 2

Battle Of Fake Karakura Town

Starrk Halibel and Barragan entered through the garganta With their fraccions.

"Okay espada. Remember fight exactly as planned." Said Aizen.

"You mean all of us fight to a point out opponents defeat us then you kill Halibel for no reason then send Tousen to die and kill everyone yourself? Maybe you should stick with killing everyone yourself and if possible sending Tousen to die." Barragan explained.

"You foolish espadas! You thought Aizen will help you!" Yamamoto yelled.

"I'll give you my fraccions if he enters the fighting within 30 minutes of it beginning." Said Halibel.

"Hey which one of you is the weakest?" Asked Kyoraku.

Starrk raised his hand, Barragan pointed at Aizen, Halibel pointed at Gin, Aizen pointed at Barragan, Gin pointed at Aizen when his back was turned and Tousen simply said "The blond chick that is apparently my skin color." While pointing at Gin.

"Hey I am not blond!"

"Head Captain, you know they are lying when they say Aizen is the weakest." Said Soi Fon.

"Very well. I will just use my zanpakuto on them."

Yamamoto imprisoned Gin Aizen and Tousen in a fire wall. Or a furnace as Gin calls it because it sure as hell aint a fire wall like what Yamamoto said.

Starrk's reaction

"Oh no! Those flames are so powerful, I think I'm gonna die, look at my hair its flying!"

Starrk's mental reaction

"Hopefully by acting like this I get the weakest captain."

Barragan's reaction

"Meh."

Barragan's mental reaction

"Meh. It's a bit hot but... wait, this means, Aizen is dead right?"

Halibel's reaction

"Meh"

Halibel's mental reaction

"I can control water and my fraccion can summon a giant monster. How the hell can I possibly match this guy. At least he aint Barragan."

"Okay Espada. I am leading this invasion. Anyone got any problems?"

"Yeah! You suck as a leader! I would rather follow my own enemy into battle against their own kind!"

"Shut up Halibel. All you can do is hide away where no one can see you and do things everybody knows your doing but prefers not to say like the rat you are!"

"I am not a rat I am a shark. And you are an old withered skeleton! Go to hell."

"If I am not already you're in the wrong place."

"You're just a sucky king wanna be."

"Does anyone else..."

"I should be the leader. Everybody loves me for who I am and not my stunning good looks."

"Excuse me, nobody not even Aizen loves you for who you are and frankly, not even Szayel Aporro appreciates you for that. Also good looks? You have a mask to hide your ugly face."

"You call it ugly. I call it the youth you never dreamed existed."

"That's it, Espada initiate operation point my blade at Halibel!"

"Um Barragan."

"What Ggio?"

"Operation point my blade at Halibel is just a code name for operation point my blade at Aizen."

"Shit. Everyone, commence operation point my blade at Aizen!"

"Actually that is just what it sounds like."

After a few hours of fucking around

"Hey can you please move your fraccion please? I want to fight all out." Said Kyoraku.

"Nah I won't move her. I don't wanna fight all out either. Let's pretend to fight while everyone else kills eachother."

"Sounds good but that ain't an option."

"Oh."

Kyoraku unsheathed one of his blades and attacked Starrk who easily blocked that attack.

"Oh no. Please go easy your too strong. I don't think I can handle this."

"That sounds kind of gay. Also that attack was way to powerful."

"Well I am lucky I got the weakest espada. I am the strongest captain."

"God dammit I am really unlucky."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Barragan watched as Nerge and Ggio messed with their opponents. Nerge wasn't even trying and Ggio was playing sondio-shunpo tag.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Yamamoto noticed all the lieutenants were getting messed up by the creature that Halibel's fraccion summoned.

"Hey you!"

Allon turned its head.

"Pick on someone your own size!"

Yamamoto burned a hole through Allons chest.

"There now you look like a real hollow you ugly motherfucker."

Yamamoto then burned Allon to the ground.

"How dare you lieutenants require my help to take this thing down!"

"My name is Emilou Apacci."

"My name is Franceska Mila Rose."

"My name is Cyan Sun Sun."

"You killed our left arms. Prepare to die."

"I burn you now. You are not worth my time."

Yamamoto used his zanpakuto and burned the three fraccion.

XXXXXXXX

"Wait a second. My fraccion are dead. Who killed them? Is it those two pretending to fight Starrk? Those two messing about with Barragan? The one defending the lieutenants? The one lighttting my fraccion on fire or the one I had my eye on this entire time? Its between the four espada fighting captains surely. I think it is you!"

"You dumbass I didn't kill your fraccion. Also they are still alive." Said Toshiro.

"That's just what the killer of my fraccion would want me to think."

"Look. Your fraccion have scorch marks all over them and I use ice powers so the only logical explanation is that I burned them with my ice powers."

"Exactly. Glad we are on the same page."

"Why do I always get stuck with stupid people?"

"Why do I always get stuck with perverted people?"

"I am no pervert. You are the lesbian who gets emotionally attached to your sex toys!"

"He only saw me once and you were not even there."

"I swear do you espada do anything constructive? I know this because all you and the old man do is argue like a married couple."

"Shut up you killed my fraccion."

"You're dumb. They're alive and I didn't do anything to them."

"I will beat you up in your bankai with my base then telegraph all my moves because I am an even bigger idiot than people care to realize."

XXXXXXXXX

Halibel is actually a massive dumbass. When you watch the battle between her and Toshiro enough, this seems to be exactly how the fight went.

XXXXXXXXX

"Yay! I am owning you in my base. Let me release and use water powers against the ice opponent which burned my fraccion."

"Oh my god! Are you retarded? I think you might be the stupidest person I ever met."

"Oh yeah. Well let me show you my IQ."

Halibel unzipped her jacket and showed her espada number.

"Your IQ is the same as your espada number?"

"That's what I say to Yammy."

"Well you should be ashamed. Yammy is smarter than you are if that is true."

"Hunt Tiburon."

"Really? Water against an ice opponent? You were doing just fine."

"But now I'm fabulous. Like what you see?"

"Not bad. Too bad there's more in front than on top."

"Are you saying I am bottom heavy?"

"Wow. Double D means Double Dumb. Quite the opposite you dumb bitch."

This scene is censored because of how terribly Halibel beats up Toshiro. I will use this time to tell you that if Rangiku and Halibel fought, I can imagine Toshiro in the middle be squashed by both of their "assets".

"You dumb bitch. You may have beaten me up but you telegraphed all your moves at the same time. I am going to finish this."

"Oh no. Ice flowers are growing all around me. I can easily escape this with one of the moves I revealed but this prison seems rather comfy. Maybe I could turn some of it into water than boil it."

"Well finally. I don't know what's stopping me from killing you now but I will just wait."

Meanwhile at Starrk's battle

"Oh so you're not the weakest espada? She was? Well I am hoping you are number 2 and the old man is number 1."

"I am sorry but Tite Kubo decided a gun that shoots ceros is more dangerous than the power to age absolutely everything as well as freeze time and command people to age."

Starrk revealed his espada number.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Hey you could've won." Said Ggio.

"What?"

"You see you planted a strike already but now you could've flashstep to me any moment you wanted and delivered the second strike."

"I understood everything up to when you said flashstep."

"Come on. Flashstep double tap."

"Flashstep what?"

"You could flashstep toward me and strike me twice. Wait why am I telling you how to defeat me?"

"My inability to realize everybody can use my zanpakuto better than I can distracted you fatally."

"What?"

"I delivered the second strike when you weren't paying attention."

"Hey captain I defeated my opponent."

"Yeah I don't care I am going to fight the espada."

"You fool! I am more powerful than anything you've ever seen? You will be paying dearly for your actions."

"I am going to sting you once then take forever to deliver the next strike."

"Not gonna happen. I control time."

Barragan placed his hand on Soi Fon's shoulder.

"How did you get there so fast?"

"I froze time and traveled there. Also your arm is broken."

"Wait, why couldn't you take away the arm with my zanpakuto?"

"What?"

"You also could've touched my neck. That would've killed me."

"I have no idea what you are saying."

"If you touch my neck and age it, it could break my neck, and I could die."

"I have no idea what you are talking about. How do I break your neck again?"

"And I thought I was in denial."

"Hey captain lets release our limiters."

"We don't have limiters dumbass."

"You mean everybody has been fighting all out this entire time?"

"Yes. Kyoraku's fight is an exception obviously."

"I will skip killing you and release."

"Okay. Let me use my bankai and fire this giant missile."

"That's a dildo."

"Oh sorry. Both are so big, I always get confused."

"Hey I think Szayel Aporro wanted one. Can you give on to him?"

"Why? Isn't he dying over the course of the next few million years?"

"No. He is just gay."

"Oh. After this I will give one to him."

Soi Fon fired her bankai at Barragan.

"I can literally escape this smoke cloud any time I want but it is very comfy in here. I think I might stay here a while."

XXXXXXXXXXX

"You see my lieutenant, she is also frustrating. She always... wait the attention is on us? Shit."

Starrk and Kyoraku started fighting for real.

"Hey. I will show you my bankai and shikai if you show me your cero and release."

"Okay."

XXXXXXXX

Yeah of all the fight is pretty sane.

XXXXXXXX

"Hey Espada quit fucking around. Otherwise I will unleash Wonderweiss, Tousen and Gin on you!"

Halibel and Barragan broke out of their smoke cloud/steam bath.

"I only came out because Tousen is a nightmare." Said Barragan.

"Oh I know."

"He talks about justice non stop!"

"He interrupts captain meetings just to talk about justice."

"You guys had it easy. Have you ever been punished by spending the day with Tousen?"

"As he ever followed you to your barracks to preach justice to your squad?"


	9. Aizen vs Halibel vs Szayel

Aizen vs Halibel vs Szayel

"Hey Gin, if superman could where one piece of clothing only, what would it be?"

"It would be an apron. Just normal clothes one minute, turns into a cape the next."

"I think I will torment the espada by wearing only my coat today."

"That's not a good idea."

"Why?"

"Because Nnoitra, Szayel, Aaroniero, Yammy, I swear they will always make you feel bad about your intimate areas. You know what will happen if Szayel sees you with nothing but a coat."

"Yeah you're right. Or are you?"

"Do you have a plan Aizen?"

"Gin. I only have one plan and that plan is awesome. It covers everything."

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Hello Halibel. Would you like to see my sword?"

"If I look at your sword, I become hypnotized so no."

"Wow Aizen. Was that part of your plan?"

"It actually wasn't. But don't worry she is already hypnotized."

"Maybe you should make some arrancar who's sole purpose is to pleasure you." Gin suggested.

"Right. Would you like some?"

"I'll let you know."

Aizen spotted some random female arrancar.

"You there! How would you like to become my personal slut?"

"Aizen, I don't think..."

"Oh my god! Aizen asked me to be his slut! My name is Loly Aivirrne."

"See Gin. Popularity is what counts."

"Wait. Aren't you supposed to be terrorizing espada?"

"Oh yeah. Halibel! My sword is aching to be touched. If you don't someone else might take it?"

"Relax Loly you're mine forever."

"I'll touch it Lord Aizen!" Szayel sonido'd to Aizen's service.

"What the? Szayel what happened to your lips?"

"I put black lip gloss to make them look like Ulquiorra's. Hey Aizen, now that I have Ulquiorra's lips, how can I kiss your ass with them?"

"Loly please remove this unwanted presence."

"Fuck off you dumb faggot! Aizen's manlihood is only to be touched by me. It is mine! You here me? Mine!"

"Wow Aizen. She does her job so perfectly. Is she part of you're plan?"

"Totally. Halibel is going to pay for ruining my awesome plan."

"How do you intend to do that?" Asked Gin.

"Gin. Get the penis ruler."

"Where am I supposed to get that?"

"Szayel's duh."

"Loly do what you were made to do. Give me all you got."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Okay. Even with the hogyoku you are still can't beat Nnoitra."

"Dammit. Why did Nnoitra's have to be so big. Oh well looks like he will be the one who has to do it. I was hoping to save him the trouble seeing as he hates Halibel and all that."

"I just noticed. You me and Tousen are like one small family. We can survive every entoxicating thing we do together. Such as your plan, me being me and Tousen's justice."

"Yeah. We are totally a family. No arrancars allowed though."

"Okay, tell Loly to come back in."

"Loly. Aizen commands you come back in."

Loly came walking back onto the balcony of Las Noches.

"Hey Loly. What's the matter with you?"

"Something told me that women are better lovers than men."

"I know that's not true. What told you?"

"A blonde espada."

"She was only out for 5 minutes and Halibel already did that to her? She must be trying to find a way to score points on me. Gin, get Nnoitra on the operation. Meanwhile I will instruct Loly who's the better lover and why."

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Hey Nnoitra. Aizen wants you to rape Halibel."

"Why can't he do it? I could lend the giant dildo one of the captains gave me. I think her name was Soi Fon."

"Oh yeah. Her bankai looks like a sex toy. Also what are you doing here?"

"She gave me a modified version so that it is portable. I call it the magic dildo. Also I am spying on Nnoitra. I am planning on tentacle raping him."

"Hmm. Let me call back."

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Hey Aizen. Szayel made some kind of super dildo which is bigger than Nnoitra's."

"Then why don't we use Szayel as the tool of revenge."

"Yeah. Szayel Aporro might be the ultimate weapon against Halibel."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Hey Halibel. I have something for you!"

"Szayel, why are you in your released state?"

"Well I am transporting something that Tousen told me to make and inject all the espada with. Apparently there is some new policy to prevent disease and all that."

"Oh."

Szayel pulled out a purple ball out of on of his sacs.

"Here eat this."

"Well I can definitely argue with the taste. Why do I feel horny all the sudden?"

"I lied. I fed you a drug in the name of Aizen."

"Hey Szayel. Wanna go somewhere private?"

"Why?"

XXXXXXXXXX

"Gin, Aizen, Nnoitra help me! Halibel is trying to rape me!"

"You know I think Halibel is going to wake up and realized she just fucked Szayel, then she will feel really bad. Hey Gin get this on tape." Aizen ordered.

XXXXXXXXXX

"You see espada. This is why you need to use common sense before making decisions. I am looking at the two gay espada in the room."

"I just can't believe you are not wearing anytning but your coat." Said Grimmjow.

"What is that thing anyway?" Asked Yammy.

"Yammy. After what happened to Szayel and Halibel. You do not want to upset my thing. This happened because Szayel tried to hit on me and Halibel refused to bow before the presence of my thing."

"This really sucks. I got raped by a woman and its on tape."

"How do you think I feel. I was drugged and knocked up by you of all people."


	10. Rogue

Experience

"Hey Szayel. What does Halibel and her fraccion do everyday in the espada room?"

"Nnoitra. If I told you, I will have to kill you. Halibel made it very clear I am the only person who knows."

"Well I can tell you what's she's not doing."

"Uh. I will go find out."

Nnoitra left only to come back shortly.

"Well they were not doing what I thought she was doing."

"It's weird right?"

"Weird doesn't even begin to describe it! Why can't she be a normal busty gay and horny arrancar and spend her free time plotting to have intercourse like you do all the time."

"Hey!"

"I still have no idea what they are doing. I left as soon as Halibel said women stuff."

"Oh by women stuff she means..."

"Means what?"

"Means nothing. Nothing you need to know."

"Whatever. You and Halibel can continue your weird business."

Szayel walked into the room Halibel was using.

"Hey Halibel, have you finally gotten to the good part?"

"I feel the need to make everything seem like we are having sex is just retarded."

"But this is a secret. Besides Nnoitra doesn't want to come anywhere near here. If you lot are just poorly dressed, you can get by."

"Hey Szayel who are you talking to?" Grimmjow asked.

"Unfortunately for you, you cannot know."

Szayel walked passed Grimmjow as he went into the room Halibel is in only to get rushed by the four female arrancar. After he got rushed by them, he got rushed to the hospital by Ulquiorra.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Okay. Its been time but now that you have finally summoned the legendary awesome thing, I shall get to work."

"What are you gonna call it?"

"This thing literally doesn't matter. All it needs is to be used in the device and then it can be used to transport my other device to the moon."

"You wanted a piece of Allon which was really hard to summon without removing my fraccions arms while getting the piece that you want while hiding it from everyone."

"But it will all be worth it. Everything will be set in motion! You will no longer suffer anymore as long as you don't go to the menos forest."

"I just pray its worth it."

XXXXXXXXXXX

"It's finally on the moon."

The third espada checked Szayel's monitor.

"This device will now build itself. Behold the mighty cero machine."

"Hopefully this will change all our problems."

"You as long as you are on my side, you have nothing to worry."

"You could say its helpful to have friends in high places."

"Really? Halibel are non sentient machines your only friends?"

"Are you trying to make me look bad."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Szayel and Halibel sat outside with Halibel's fraccion all sleeping by the two espada. A campfire was surrounding them.

"This is awesome." Said Szayel.

"Nobody can stop us now."

"We're free."

Halibel and Szayel sensed something.

"They're here!"

"Seems like it."

On top of the cliff that was behind them, Szayel and Halibel shifted their attention to it to see five espada. Nnoitra, Ulquiorra, Aaroniero, Starrk and Barragan.

"The espada."

"The who?"

"The espada you dumb shit!"

The three fraccions started arguing while Szayel and Halibel unsheathed their zanpakuto. Barragan laughed.

"I'll give orders since I'm the king!"

"Ulquiorra! Sick em!"

Ulquiorra jumped down to the level of Szayel and Halibel and beat them both. After defeating them both, all that was left were the oblivious fraccion too busy to notice their superiors fall. Szayel grabbed a device from his clothes and pressed one button.

"I told Aizen it was over kill. How many espada did he send? 5 how many did he need? 1. Did he listen? No."

"Will you shut up already!" Ulquiorra demanded before getting sniped by a cero.

"What the hell was..." Nnoitra got blasted by a cero.

"How dare the moon which I rule betray..."

"Will I ever serve a part of this..." Aaroniero was blasted to smithereens.

"Did you ever hear of copyright?" Asked Starrk.

"Nope. You clearly didn't read the terms and conditions." Szayel said before Starrk got blasted.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Fuck Kyoka Suigetsu." Halibel cursed.

"At least Ulquiorra was the first one to go."

"Aizen's gonna punish us for sure."

"Szayel, Halibel. I must commend you for your creativity. Making a cero machine and finding a way to get it to the moon of Las Noches. Truely I will never even thought of this. But at least thanks to you, everything can now go according to plan."

"Isn't everything part of your plan? I swear you're own parents meeting must have been part of you're plan."

"Believe it or not it is. My plan is so complicated I needed to do things while making sure my parents met in the timeline."

"Give it a break Szayel. If it exists, it is part of Aizen's plan."

"Come on Halibel. Don't make me kill you. Killing people is my least favourite thing to do."


	11. Bitch Work

Bitch Work

Espada Meeting

"Quick Espada. Some idiots are invading Las Noches. What do we do?"

"Have you tried killing them?" Asked Szayel.

"Yeah that seems pretty logical." Halibel responded.

"Gay espada. First they disrupt our sleep..."

"Your sleep."

"Rebel against Aizen, create a cero machine and blow me up with it..."

"Blow us up with it."

"Shut up Aaroniero. You have no role in this fanfic."

XXXXXXXX

R.I.P. Aaroniero's dreams of being popular in this fanfic

XXXXXXXX

"I agree with you Nnoitra. Lets send Szayel and Halibel to get rid of them." Said Aizen.

"Yeah. Pay back for the cero launcher."

"Can I kill them Aizen?"

"No Aaroniero. You can stay here and remain unpopular."

"Hey Zommari. Can you watch over Halibel and Szayel for me. I'll give you a signature point."

"Yes. After this only 746 more to go."

"I love my espada. They are so easy to mess with."

Every espada stared menacingly at Aizen.

"What? It's not like you're going to survive unless by any chance my plan works than everyone but a select few espada survives."

The espada began to nod in approval.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Okay guys our first invader is named Rukia Kuchiki. Kill her and do me a favour Halibel. Since Szayel Aporro doesn't stand a chance as this authors other story Ulquihime Rebellion stated and since I don't stand a chance as Tite Kubo declared in his anime/manga, can you please deal with her brother?"

"Our you underestimating my abilities?"

"Szayel. This is a strong-mid level captain. He is nothing compared to the strong-mid level lieutenant level but for some reason is unseated invader we are chasing."

"You want us to kill her first?" Asked Halibel.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Come on you gays. Get a move on. Hurry up and kill her."

"I don't know. Two espada versus whatever she is is just unfair." Szayel commented.

"Come on. Do it to redeem your honor."

"Zommari. I am pretty sure its only to redeem your honor. Also why can't you do it?" Asked Halibel.

"Come on it's fun."

"I'm gonna leave now."

"Not so fast noble one." Szayel held a doll of Rukia.

"How did you get one of me so quick?"

"It's a secret."

"Now Szayel Aporro, kill her in the most painful and quick way possible."

"Are you in a rush?" Asked Halibel.

"I'm in a sugar rush."

"Do witch doctors go high on sugar? You're not making any sense Zommari."

"Just kill the intruder."

"Sure. But first I hope you're not ticklish."

Szayel began tickling Rukia through the use of the doll causing her to laugh but not out of joy.

"Do you think I'm to harsh? A noble one like her shouldn't endure this torture. I think its cruel."

Szayel's fingers stopped and so did Rukia try to relax her lungs.

"Szayel what are you doing?"

"Hey Zommari. Would you kindly fuck off?"

"Halibel don't talk to me like that. I am your superior."

"Superior? What the hell are you talking about? I am the third espada. You're the seventh. Even Grimmjow outranks you and he's twice my number."

"Yes but you are a woman and how society works is that white men are on top then white women then black men then black women."

"By that logic, I outrank you."

"Yes but you see, you are gay which counts as disabled which ranks about the same as black women if not lower."

"I can't believe I am saying this to a black man but you are racist. And not even in you're favor what the fuck?"

"It's the way society is meant to be."

"Says who."

"Says Aizen in 5 hours from now." Zommari held up his phone for conformation.

"What the? Is that a Future Diary reference?"

"Maybe."

"If I kill that phone I kill you right?"

"What if I just buy a phone cover."

"Hey espada."

"Hey Rukia calm down. Oh by the way Rukia what is your name Rukia? I forgot to ask you Rukia. Please forgive me Rukia."

"Espada. You're working system establishes me as higher ranking than yourself."

"Yes but you see you are a shinigami which counts as disabled."

Zommari's phone made a sound and when he checked it, in 10 minutes it said DEAD END.

"I take that back. Shinigami are not disabled. I just remembered Aizen."

Zommari's dead end sentence was removed but then it said "Look behind you. Halibel is going to severely injure you."

Halibel cut open Zommari's back.

"Wow that guy was annoying."

"Why are you guys here?" Rukia asked.

"Rukia. We sensed you were in trouble." Ichigo called.

The other four invaders met up with Rukia.

"Oh hey look. More idiots."

"Is that a Future Diary reference?" Uryu asked.

"No. This is a cookie monster reference." Szayel pulled out an Uryu doll.

"How did you make one so fast?"

"Everybody. As I destroy you're friends organs, we present to you some music. We will Rock You."

We will rock you plays with each thump representing Szayel grabbing an organ, breaking it and Uryu coughing.

"Stop that!" Ichigo demanded.

"Fine. Here have the doll." Szayel threw the doll at Ichigo causing the organs to drop.

Szayel took a step forward and stepped on some organs.

"Oh no. My fault."

Szayel backed up and destroyed even more organs.

"Uh oh. I am terrible with this."

"That's it. I'm killing you. What is you're name?"

"Oh you're Renji. If you wanna use you're bankai don't bother. I don't want you using it. Ypu won't defeat me in shikai though."

Ichigo got memories of fighting Dordonni.

"Aizen. When can I go back to fighting interesting people?"

"When I am ready."

"How can you be ready stop... I don't even know what to say."

"Perfect that's helping my plan."

"Who are you talking to Aizen?"

"I'm talking to the gay in pink Loly."

"I really didn't need to hear you say that."

"Hearing that was part of my plan."

"Damn it. This is retarded. What the fuck am I even here for in the first place."

"Who are you talking to?" Asked Ichigo.

"My executioner."

"Don't talk about Aizen like that!"

"Shut up Zommari. Szayel is talking." Halibel stomped on Zommari's head.

"I thought there was no way super man was able to rally us espada but I was willing to believe!"

"Well if you believe you're helping my plan."

"Get out of my head Aizen."

"Technically it's my head."

"Since when?"

"Since I turned you into an arrancar. You lost your head. I gave you that one instead."

"Just Gran Rey Cero." Szayel fired a Gran Rey Cero at Ichigo, Chad, Renji, Uryu and Rukia.

"Hey don't use that! That is a Gran Rey Cero. We can't use it in Las Noches." Zommari complained.

"Zommari, name one person that is not Ulquiorra who actually follows the rules of Las Noches. Nobody. Halibel, Barragan and Starrk release all the time and use cero oscuras and every espada uses gran rey cero."

"Are you gonna make sure they are dead?" Halibel asked.

"I am not following the evil overlord guidebook for this one."

"There's a guidebook? Why does nobody ever follow it?"

"It's a good guidebook but they all make mistakes. They could really listen to it. Doesn't itt make sense to keep you're weakness in a secure stash instead of in the mountains of doom across the river of fire?"

"Oh really?"

"How about interrogating someone beyond the borders of my kingdom just outside but in an unknown area. Maybe inside the borders of an enemy kingdom but not neutral they will complain."

"Wow Szayel. You could be a real villain one day."

"Nah. I would rather be remembered as a gay scientist who gets killed over the course of a million years."

"And I wanna be betrayed by Aizen and live only to figure out Aizen was stopped, my revenge was ceased and I won't be known until Ichigo rescues me. Shame I was planning to kill him."

"You're wish is my command." Said Aizen.

"Well fuck."

XXXXXXXX

Fun Fact

Halibel is basically a gender bend Ichigo. Same ideology kind of. No wander IchiHali is shipped so hard.

XXXXXXXX

"Hey. Szayel and Halibel. Can you carry me to Aizen?"

"No. Aren't you afraid the black woman will beat you up or the gay man will rape you?" Halibel asked.


	12. Notice

I have finally made a set of personalities for the espada and they are as follows:

Starrk: Inconsistent personality and a slothful idiot. Like Blitzwing from transformers animated, he often changes his persona quite consistantly therefore making Starrk consistantly inconsistant. This is a reference to how inconsistent his personality is. He is so sad because he is lonely but when he joins the espada, he sleeps 23 hours a day. Starrk often has mood swings in this parody.

Barragan: Massively idiotic and treacherous leader. As a king, it doesn't take a genius to come up with the perfect plan to kill Aizen. He will be somewhat like Starscream from transformers but also like Sarge from red vs blue. This is where is stupidity and his poor excuse for leadership kicks in. Barragan's hate list consists of Aizen, Gin, Starrk, Tousen and Halibel.

Halibel: Beautiful but unbelievably retarded member of the espada. To this I also might add a gag that Szayel Aporro and Halibel might be related to eachother. Halibel will also have a theme running of her own which people either say "so hot but so dumb" or "so dumb but so hot". Her stupidity actually stems from her battle with Toshiro where she blames the opponent that controls ice for burning her fraccions then revealing her strongest moves even though she was already winning and gave Toshiro time to prepare. Not only that but she couldn't even beat up a child and she is an espada. Aside from that, she will have to put up with Nnoitra all day long and the occassional Szayel Aporro.

Ulquiorra: a constantly distracted espada. Ulquiorra was formerly Aizen's favorite espada but then he met Orihime and Ulquiorra started to join the circle of idiots known as the espada. He will be in love with Orihime but his constant thinking about her causes him to say the stupidest things. He might also have a deterioration period where all hints of intelligence has long since fleeted.

Nnoitra: An unbelievably idiotic espada. Nnoitra is a loud mouth and the most annoying espada however he manages to get away with everything from disobeying orders to assaulting Aizen.

Grimmjow: the last not so idiotic espada. Grimmjow is the last remaining espada who isn't a complete moron however it is very easy for the other espada to take advantage of him or for Grimmjow to drag himself down to their level.

Zommari: highly judgemental espada. Zommari will make all kinds of judgements about people. He is arrogant and holds a false pride.

Szayel Aporro: Feminine espada. Szayel Aporro will be massively implied to be gay. He has alot of features that make him appear feminine and occassionally gay. He also contains an element of stupidity which will guide his poor decisions. He has a few gags about being gay and him and Halibel being related.

Aaroniero: Forgotten espada who doesn't exist. Aaroniero will serve as an espada that nobody knows about an nobody even knows he exists. He will be massively unpopular and not known.

Yammy: Stupid espada. Yammy, unlike the other espada actually has dumb built into his personality so he automatically joins the dumb group but however he will also have his gag about being the only espada who can do things effectively and correctly. This is a reference to how Yammy managed to deflect Toshiro's attacks and call them refreshing but Halibel couldn't break her ice prison despite her being able to control water and Yammy can't. This is also referencing how Zommari and Nnoitra failed to kill Kenpachi and Byakuya but Yammy took both of them on at the same time. Szayel Aporro was nearly killed by Uryu's sprenger had he not reduce the damage but Yammy took on Mayuri's mine and survived like nothing happened. Yammy is also the 10th espada and before becoming enraged, he managed to cause morr chaos than Aaroniero could.

Please review and tell me what you think of these espadas official personalities. If you have any recommendations for an espadas persona please state which espada then give your recommendation.

Do note that all the past stories was me trying to find this parody.


	13. Arrancars Arrive

Arrancars Arrive

"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!"

The giant hit the ground causing a crater to form.

"Ow."

"Yammy can't you go annoy someone else? I am on a mission."

"But Ulquiorra I want to kick some butt."

"This is a covert mission Yammy."

"That is why I am working with you."

"I said covert not cooperative. How did you get that mixed up?"

"Hey Ulquiorra. Why are those people looking at us?"

"They are not looking at us. They can't even see us."

"Oh too good to see ghosts are you? Well lets see you be too good for this."

Yammy used gonzui to suck out majority of the souls in the area.

Chad and Orihime saw all the souls gathering in an area around the park.

"Oh no. It appears a new threat has appeared. Its probably more dangerous than the bounts."

"We must stop this new threat before it gets out of hand."

"You idiot. Why did you do that."

"Because they thought they were too good to acknowledge my existance. Look at her. She is still alive. She thinks she is too good to die."

"Interesting she is still alive."

Ulquiorra and Yammy walked toward Tatsuki.

"Damn you boys. You think this is some kind of prank? I'll take you both on."

"Clearly you don't know who we are."

"A couple of anime fans right?"

"No. We are espada. An elite group of arrancar which consist of the top 10 fighters who's skills are beyond any other."

"Sounds like anime to me."

"My name is Ulquiorra Cifer the fourth espada and he is Yammy Llargo the 10th espada."

"This sounds alot like anime. I mean look at you with a giant jaw and you with half a helmet and wearing green make up over that pale face of yours. This is probably an anime grouping seeing as everyone here is pretending to be dead."

"Ulquiorra. Can I kill her."

"Sure Yammy."

Yammy's foot traveled insanely fast toward Tatsuki's face only to be stopped by an invisible barrier.

"What is this?"

"I think it's called plot armor."

"No its me Yasutora Sado."

"I can see you."

"He's under your foot Yammy."

"Oh. Wait what happened to the plot armor?"

"According to Aizen's plan, everyone we will try and kill has plot armor and so does the person we need to kill."

"Why do we need to kill people who wear plot armor?"

"Maybe we are so powerful that we can destroy plot armor."

"Plot armor? Chad lets show these two the power of plot armor." Orihime ordered.

Yammy slapped Chad and severely injured him.

"That attack should have blown his arm clean off. This must be the power of plot armor."

"This is it. We will kill everyone wearing plot armor."

Yammy moved in for the kill but his attack was blocked by Ichigo.

"Hey. You ugly motherfucker!"

"Don't expose Yammy to curse words."

"What is this an anime intervention?"

"Why does everyone think this is an anime inter-interv-interor-inter..."

"Intervention Yammy. It is pronounced intervention."

"It doesn't matter. You attacked my friends. You must die now." Ichigo pulled out his bankai.

"Chad's gonna need a new arm thanks for donating." Ichigo sliced off Yammy's arm.

"Ow Ulquiorra. Help me."

"Okay Yammy."

"You stay were you are."

"Oh okay I will wait."

"Ichigo!" Said his Inner Hollow.

"Go away I am in a battle."

"Come on Ichigo I just want to talk to you."

"Can't you talk to Zangetsu?"

"I am Zange-"

"Oh look now I am getting beaten up."

"You are literally so weak I can beat you with one arm tied behind my back."

"Hey Ulquiorra what are you looking at?"

"I am observing the surroundings."

"One particular part of the surroundings." Orihime covered her breasts with her arms.

"Hands in the air woman!"

"But..."

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in my court."

"Don't worry Orihime. You don't have to worry we will beat these two people up." Said Kisuke.

"Who are you?"

"They are Kisuke Urahara and she is Yoruichi Shihoin. They are former captains of the 13 court guard squads."

"In other words." Said Kisuke.

"You're screwed." Said Yoruichi.

Yoruichi unleashed a series of karate kicks on Yammy and knocked him out cold.

"I will show you to mess with me silly girl!" Yammy fired a cero at Yoruichi.

"Covert was the term used to describe my mission." Said Ulquiorra.

"Hey arrancar. Say hi to the Grand Fisher for me." Kisuke unleashed his Benehime on Yammy which Ulquiorra deflected.

"Idiot. Against them you would need your full power you fool."

"Hey Ulquiorra lets teach these people a lesson."

"Right. After we deliver our report to the all knowing Aizen."

* * *

"Hello Ulquiorra. Hello Yammy. Did you have fun in the world of the living."

"Yes. Yammy had lots of fun."

"Ulquiorra got a girlfriend now."

"I wish I never brought you along."

"Did you have fun destroying the plot armor?"

"Yes. Yammy managed to obliterate it."

"Did you complete your mission?"

"Yes but Yammy comprimised the mission."

"Did you eliminate all your opponents?"

"Yes. Yammy handled most of our opponents up until Yoruichi and Kisuke and we retreated."

"I knew it. You were helpless. Tell me one thing that you did that Yammy didn't or couldn't have done." Grimmjow yelled.

"I told him that Ichigo was the one we were looking for."

"Yeah and I messed him up pretty badly."

"Hey dumbo. Shut up. You were the one who got beaten up by a girl."

"Not my fault. If it wasn't for that girl I would have totally beaten up that other man."

"Yammy you are not making things better for yourself." Ulquiorra whispered.

"You know I am able to defeat at least 10 of those people."

"Oh no this is bad. I hope nobody tries to break the rules and go to the world of the living and kill everyone in attempt to please me."

Grimmjow smirked.

"Grimmjow."

"Yeah."

"I hope its not those things I just said."

"Yeah."

"Well it doesn't sound like you know exactly what I am talking about."

"Trust me Aizen. I have no intention in disobeying orders and pleasing you without your permission or to prove that I am better than Ulquiorra."

"Alright men. We are disobeying orders to please Aizen and prove that I am better than Ulquiorra."

* * *

"Oh no Dii Roy has been killed and I inconvieniantly arrived shortly afterward."

"Who did you kill?" Ichigo asked.

"Um. Shit I didn't kill anyone."

"Ichigo you need to run this person is too powerful."

"Hey soul reaper woman."

"What."

"Fuck off." Grimmjow pierced Rukia's abdomen and threw her to the side.

"No Rukia. You killed my..."

"Ichigo run..." Rukia said before passing out.

"You killed my girlfriend."

"Relax I didn't kill her. She just passed out due to the fatal injury I inflicted on her."

"What's the difference between that and death?"

"She lives a little longer."

"That's it. I am going to break your everything."

Grimmjow quite easily blocked Ichigo's attack and countered with his own.

"Oh no. My everything."

* * *

After some one sided fighting Tousen arrived.

"Grimmjow. You have disobeyed orders from Aizen and lost 5 arrancar in the process. Lord Aizen is furious and he will punish you in the name of justice."

"Dammit Tousen. Is there anything you say that isn't justice or cause related."

* * *

"Hello Grimmjow. Did you pick up groceries while you were out. Oh wait I never told you to go out. I was too busy focusing on the arrancars that were not disobeying my instructions."

* * *

"Hey Yammy how is your arm?"

Yammy attacked the arrancar nurse.

"Not good enough. I should've split her in half."

"You are lucky I bought your arm back and it wasn't destroyed. This is the first time something bad happened to you and the same thing happened to someone else."

"Ah my arm! Damn you Tousen!"

"Don't jinx it."

* * *

"Oh no look at my arm. Time to leave the room." Aizen stepped out of his throne.

"Is he teasing me. Since when can you the time just by looking at your arm?"

"Okay Gin. The next phase of my plan is going to be absolutely hilarious. I might need Mayuri's help."

"Isn't Mayuri all the way in..."

"Thank you Mayuri Kurotsuchi for inventing this bracelet."

"You stole that bracelet?"

"No. I convinced Mayuri to give it to me before we left and using the hogyoku, I modified it."

"What are we going to do about the place of the 6th espada. Are we gonna give leave it blank just like the 9th spot or should we fill it up."

"We could use more feminine espada."

"If Szayel Aporro and Halibel don't say feminine nothing does."

"But we have Barragan, Zommari, Nnoitra, Yammy we need more humanoid espada. Hey you!"

"Yes."

"You look like a woman. What is your name?"

"My name is Luppi Antenor and please stop calling me a woman or gay."

"We don't need another Szayel Aporro."

"Would you like to be a member of the espada?"

"No not my rank! Or maybe the empty 9th seat is being filled."

* * *

Grimmjow continued walking down armless and seeing countless arrancar laugh at him.

"Hey Grimmjow. You're not so tough without your arm." Said Loly.

"I am still stronger than you."

"I wouldn't get so hostile. I heard Aizen might let you back on the espada. I can see that you are never placed on the espada again. After all I am quite close to Aizen."

"Don't take me for a fool."

"Sooner or later I won't be getting beaten up by every espada."

"Oh really. Let's have a visit to Nnoitra."

* * *

"Nnoitra you have visitors."

"I can hear that you fool. I am not deaf Tesra."

Nnoitra opened the door to his room to an armless Grimmjow and Loly.

"Oh great. Aizen sent me the disabled people."

"What did you call me?" Loly and Grimmjow growled.

"Don't talk back to me. I am your superior forever! And you are just a woman."

"Well Aizen didn't..."

"Okay. You are to clean up this giant mess and Grimmjow just say that I made you visit Szayel Aporro."

"Why me?"

"Because you are a woman that's why!"

* * *

"Okay new generation espada. Grimmjow. We are going to launch another operation in the world of the living."

"You lot get to have fun!" Gin added.

"If Grimmjow can beat them anyone can." Said Nnoitra.

"You idiot. That was before he got kicked off." Luppi responded.

"Luppi, Yammy, Grimmjow and Wonderweiss. You will distract the enemy by killing them while Ulquiorra hopelessly fails to seduce the woman of his dreams."

"Is this one of your poorly coordinated jokes again Aizen?"

"Apparently what I lack in humor I more than make up for with my plan."

* * *

"Hey look the world of the living."

"Haaaaaaaaaa."

"Hey this place looks familiar."

"Maybe its because you've been here before Yammy."

"Don't get rude Grimmjow. You are not even an espada anymore."

"Espaaaaaaaaaa?"

"No you see its pronounced espada."

"Is this what Szayel Aporro experienced when he was kicked off?"

"No I am afraid you got it worse."

"Espada. The most elite group of arrancar numeros consists of 10 members who are numbered according to their strengths. And it says here in the most recently added definition; something Grimmjow got kicked off of."

"Its amazing how Yammy can only read correctly during times like this."

"Who added that last part to the arrancar dictionary?"

"Someone called defr? I don't think I pronounced that right."

"Give me that. It's pronounced Loly you fool."

"That bitch. I knew she was behind it. She and I are going to have some words."

"W-wa wa- words?"

"Yay. Wonderweiss is learning so fast."

"Eventually he will be smarter than me."

"I think everyone is smarter than you Yammy."

"Hello can anyone hear me? I am talking."

"Yeah you're a former espada who cares."

"Hey you guys! What are you arguing about?" Asked Toshiro.

"You guys deal with him. I am leaving to find my opponent."

"Try not to lose your arm in the process!" Luppi taunted.

Toshiro used his shikai on Yammy.

"Brrrrr. Luppi. Why didn't you bring some mittens like I asked."

"I told you Yammy. Bring them yourself."

* * *

"Hey Ichigo I was looking all over for you."

"So was I. And what happened to your arm?"

"Um."

* * *

"Grimmjow 1000 years dungeon." Said Aizen.

"You're kidding." Replied Grimmjow.

"Oh that's right we don't have a dungeon. Grimmjow 1000 years no arm."

Tousen cut off Grimmjow's arm.

"Tousen destroy his arm."

Tousen fired Haien at Grimmjow's arm destroying it.

* * *

"I lost it."

"You lost your arm?"

"I think its in my sock drawer... maybe."

"You know you can never defeat me like that."

"Don't underestimate me. I will grind you into a pulp."

"No Grimmjow. I mean..." Ichigo put on his vizard mask.

"...You no longer have any way to beat me."

"What did you do to yourself?"

"Other than train and learn this."

"I can only hold this for 11 seconds."

The next 2 minutes are censored because of how badly Ichigo beats up Grimmjow.

Ichigo's mask suddenly broke before delivering the final attack.

The 2 minutes after that scene are also censored because of how badly Grimmjow beats up Ichigo.

* * *

"What an obnoxious sight." Said Yumichika.

"You ugly cow. How dare you call me obnoxious. I am better than you in everyway shape and form."

"Haven't you guys realized something?"

"What?"

"While Yumichika and the espada are fighting. Captain Hitsugaya couldn't gain the upper hand against that espada."

"You're right Rangiku."

"Oh Yammy would you be a dear and give me your opponent."

"Sure why not."

"What could be so hard about fighting and elementary school student."

"That is Captain Hitsugaya to you!"

"Your mother must spoil you. Don't come crying to her when I give you a boo boo. Strangle Torepadora."

"This guy talks way to freaking much." Said Toshiro.

Toshiro was overcome by Luppi's attacks.

"Oh dear. Whatever will you do without your captain?"

"Seriously. He talks more than Yumichika." Rangiku added.

"What should I do with you? I mean I defeated your captain and your helpless, helpless with no help."

"I wish I could call the way he talks unaesthetic."

"I don't know what to do? I mean you guys are so weak I can handle you in my base form."

"Will you shut up! Seriously do you even acknowledge that we are telling you to not talk?"

"You know lets play a little game. I will try to catch you and you must kill me before I catch you."

"He is either deaf or likes the sound of his own voice."

"Maybe both."

"How could it be both?"

"We are too far away for him to hear us."

* * *

"Seriously. I have to go with soul reapers here. Luppi is talking far too much."

"Aaaaaahh."

"Hey Wonderweiss what are we gonna do?"

* * *

"Now that I caught you, I can do whatever I want with you. I might use your shiny head as a flashlight, I will kill you outright and you... oh my god you have the sexiest body on the planet. Tia will get pissed if she sees you."

"Can you not compare me to any of your arrancar whores!"

"Sorry what was that? I can hear you. You're lips are moving but its like someone reduced the volume on your mouth. Speaking of mouths there is something I'd like to put in there."

"Okay this guy is stupid and insensitive."

"I might use my secret weapon on him."

"But Rangiku is present and likely several others."

"Listen you. Now that I am within and earshot of you..."

"You calling me deaf woman?"

"Deaf and you talk alot. There is nothing more disgusting than a man who won't shut up."

"Well lets see who is louder after I shove this tentacle up your..."

"If you say what I think you're going to say I am going to go Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan on you."

"I was going to say throat."

"Up your throat? Aizen really needs to educate you on basic grammar." Kisuke used his Benihime and freed Ikkaku, Yumichika and Rangiku.

"Something smells fishy. Grand Fishy."

"Hey its you. The one that beat up Yammy."

Wonderweiss fired a bala at Kisuke.

"Holy shit what was that. Mind telling me what that was?"

"Baaaaaaaaaaawaaaaaaaaaa."

"Umm..."

Kisuke was hit by Yammy's bala.

"Hahahahaha. I'll tell you what that was. It's called a bala. It is better at killing things than ceros despite being weaker than ceros."

"How come?"

* * *

"Boop now your dead." Ulquiorra fired a bala at the first soul reaper.

"I just wan't to talk to you woman."

"Why did you kill that guy than."

"Boop got your face."

"Why do you keep saying boop?"

"Like all abnormalities in this world. It can all be relate to Gin."

"Okay I know you want something from me."

"Lord Aizen told me to open with a joke so I want your body."

"You have a good memory. Aizen's advice to make Orihime fall in love with Ulquiorra."

'I hope Aizen's plan covered this situation'

"Hey this isn't advice. This is a note you on purposely gave to me from the words of Aizen. Also it says you may be bored in Hueco Mundo but don't worry you have a secret admirer. His name is Ulqua-Ulqui-Ulqa-"

"Ulquiorra?"

"Yeah. How do you know."

"I just mightbeUlquiorra."

"Whispering that you might be Ulquiorra won't work on me."

"Well woman. Aizen also said I need to give this to you." Ulquiorra came toward Orihime and handed her a bracelet.

"Wow where did you get it?"

"Aizen made it."

"It says by Mayuri Kurt-Kurotsuki-Karrot-"

"Kurotsuchi."

"Yeah."

"By the way were you not supposed to be kidnapping me?"

"You must come with me or people will die. I don't mean you."

Ulquiorra showed Orihime the battle in 3 images;

Censored due to the amount of ass kicking happening also Ichigo is in it

Luppi just flapping his gums

Yammy firing balas at Kisuke

"Listen. My friends are more than capable of..."

"Silence. You have no rights."

"What about the right to remain silent and anything I say can and will be used in your court?"

"That also applies."

"What about freedom of religion."

"Yes."

"The right to own a certain peace of land." Orihime stared at Ulquiorrajs crotch.

"Sure why not."

"The right to freedom of speech."

"Yes."

"Basically the universal declaration of human rights."

"Yes."

"And the right to not have my rights taken."

"Yes."

"In that case I'm leaving."

"Wait you tricked me."

"But you were the one who gave me my rights."

"Well if you leave than I won't tell the espadas to stop killing your friends."

"Dammit."

"You see woman. There is no escaping Aizen's plan."

Meanwhile in real time.

"You're finished Ichigo! You cannot win. Beaten by an arrancar with one arm!"

"Tsugi No Mai, Hakuren."

Rukia froze Grimmjow.

"Hey Rukia how did you get so strong? Last time Grimmjow nearly killed you."

"I trained." Rukia struggled to get Grimmjow's zanpakuto out of Ichigo's hand.

Grimmjow broke free using his one arm.

"I broke out with one arm. One arm only. Just one arm."

"Oh no. You again. Don't worry Ichigo. This time I can fight him."

"Wow did you just hear that. Sounds like a cero and a nuke combined with eachother." Said Luppi.

"How are you not dead?" Asked Ichigo.

"Plot armor. And your friend over there. Why does he have piano teeth?"

"Why the hell do your teeth look like Nnoitra. Do you an him go to the same dentist?"

"Do I look like I go to the same dentist?"

"Yes. I just said that."

"I can't have the same teeth as you losers. Besides you only have one arm. It looks like you can't even keep your body straight."

"Why you little!" Grimmjow tried to strangle Shinji simpsons style but Shinji did the same and got the upper hand.

"That's it. I am going to march up to Aizen and demand he get my arm back."

"I bet that is part of Aizen's all knowing plan."

"How did you know about his crazy plan."

"I was his cqptain and I couldn't do anything because of his plan."

"Well his plan is about to come to an end because I am going to show him how well I can fight with only one arm."

"Didn't you say that you were going to beat it out of Aizen?"

"Okay. Time to rap it up." Ulquiorra stopped Grimmjow's advance then both of them were trapped inside a negaccion.

* * *

"Oh no. You guys are pathetic. After that hat wearing bastard saved you, you got caught again. That is so stupid on your part. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Seriously what idiots. How can any of you expect to beat me (and after a few minutes of talking) This just goes to show how pathetic you are."

"At this point, my eardrums have almost been killed. Ikkaku, Yumichika, please don't judge me but I have to do it."

"I don't care what you do as long as it shuts him up."

"His voice is giving me a headache."

"Espada. If you be quite for 10 minutes, I will do whatever sexual thing you want me to do."

"You will be remembered Rangiku."

"No sacrific. No victory."

"She is truly our hero this time."

"What? I can't hear you!"

"Shut up for 10 minutes and I will do whatever sexual thing you want me to do."

"I seriously cannot hear you."

"This must be embarrassing for Rangiku."

"Tell me about it. She is offering to shut this guy up with an offer that will permanently damage her pride. The worst part is, he can't even hear the offer."

Luppi's tentacles suddenly froze. His attention was drawn to Toshiro who was still alive.

"Your mouth is the worst torturing device ever invented. It will pay for damaging the will of my lieutenant, the secracy of a man's bankai and the... the... I'm sorry Yumichika what exactly do you possess?"

"Nothing that needs to be known okay."

"Hey the focus is on me."

"Yeah yeah. You're an espada bye bye." Toshiro froze Luppi in an icy prison.

"You are the best Toshiro."

"That's Captain Hitsugaya to you!"

"Take that and that and that and that and that and..."

* * *

"Lord Aizen will be mad!"

"What? Who said that."

"This is your guide. Your personal oracle. Guardian. I must warn you, you are hitting absolutely nothing."

"What am I hitting?"

"My assistant will show you!"

Kisuke pulled out his newest invention.

"Hey. Your assistant looks and awful lot like my opponent."

"That's because he is your opponent. You are just so dumb that while he is talking you still believe your guardian is speaking to you subliminally."

"What does subliminally mean?"

Luppi and Yammy were caught inside a negaccion.

"Beware captain. You haven't seen the last of me."

"That is what I am scared of."

* * *

Yammy, Luppi, Wonderweiss and Grimmjow waited for Ulquiorra's return.

"Oh no what is taking them so long. I sure hope they didn't hit it off just like my plan says they did."

"I still can't believe our diversionary attack was met with this much resistance."

"Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that all of this was just a diversion?"

"Yes Luppi. And all your talking made a good distraction."

Ulquiorra and Orihime finally arrived.

"Lord Aizen. I have bought the woman."

"My name is Orihime. I thought we established that."

"No. We established that you were clever if I recall. You tricked me into giving every right that exists."

"It's just that you're weak. You couldn't fight my charms if you wanted to."

"How come your a virgin than?"

"What the fuck is going on between those two?" Asked Luppi.

"I know. It's like they're married." Grimmjow added.

"Okay lets finish this. Orihime. You have powers that I want. Heal Grimmjow's arm."

"Hey why does Grimmjow's arm have to be healed? There were so many things him not having an arm could have done!"

"Luppi. Don't bother fighting. It's just all part of my plan."

"How unexpected. I thought about going against you to get my arm back and instead your plan gave me my arm back."

"Hey Orihime I think that's your name. Stop healing Grimmjow at once. I command you."

"Hey Luppi."

"What non espada."

"Shut up will you."

"No. You are not allowed to have an arm. I prohibit it."

Grimmjow impaled Luppi with his arm.

"What? Your arm is healed already?"

"Yes it is. Now shut up and die like a warrior!"

Grimmjow fired a cero which destroyed Luppi completely.

"To this I say good ridance. Seriously this guy talks way to much."

"And then we can..."

"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up! LUPPI FOR THE LOVE OF AIZEN'S PLAN SHUT THE-"

"Perfect. Grimmjow is the 6th espada again and Luppi is dead. Orihime is my prisoner. Ulquiorra is in love with her. Yammy and Wonderweiss are Yammy and Wonderweiss. Everything is going according to plan."


	14. The Invasion Of Hueco Mundo

Invasion of Hueco Mundo.

"Ruff Ruff. Ruff Ruff!"

"Yammy! Tell your dog to shut up I am trying to take a nap."

"You're asking the wrong guy. Hey Starrk tell your child to stop talking to me."

"Why are you asking me. Tell her yourself."

"Starrk. Get this dog to stop barking."

"Why is everyone coming to me?"

"Starrk! If you don't shut this thing up I will never forgive you."

"zzzzzzzzzzzz"

"Yammy!"

"zzzzzzzzzzzz"

"Ruff Ruff Ruff!"

"Ah well. Kukkapuro and Lillinette sure are getting along." Said Gin.

"Yes they do. Tousen! Schedual an espada meeting!"

"Right away."

"Hey Gin this is the best bit."

"Hello doggy. Aren't you a cute doggy. Who is the cutest doggy? You are the cutest doggy! Oh yes you are. Oh yes you are."

"Remarkable. Lillinette follows the same inconsistant personalities that Starrk has."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Meet the espada. As they walk into the room all 9 of them and whoever that guy with the long head is, we get to know their true power. Okay who am I trying to fool. They are 10 idiots. I am not even going to pretend that Aaroniero doesn't exist. I mean seriously non of them know any desency. Nnoitra has his legs on the table, Szayel Aporro is playing with his hair, Starrk is taking a nap, Zommari is being the asshole he is, Barragan is being as useless as ever. Aaroniero is Aaroniero and Tia is dumb but might I add stunningly beautiful. Grimmjow, he is giving into his cat instincts and following the laser pointer Ulquiorra is pointing in front of him. Yammy is crushing Aaroniero without even knowing he is there.

"Wow. This is the audience first impressions of the espada. Lets get some dialoguw out of them."

"Yammy get off of me. I can't breath."

"Hello espada. Fancy a cup of tea?"

"Lord Aizen. I can't drink tea. My hollow hole is in my neck. It would just fall out." Ulquiorra complained.

"Don't talk to me until you had your tea. Otherwise that will disrupt my plan."

"What happens if your plan is disrupted?" Aaroniero asked.

"Who said that? Come out so I can show what happens to people who disrupt my plan!"

All of the espada save for Aaroniero started drinking their tea.

"Okay now that everyone had their tea. It's time to talk."

"I was taking a nap Aizen. I promise that if it is not not something serious like an invasion I will scream."

"Well guess what Starrk. It is an invasion. 3 people are attacking us."

"Only 3? I thought it was an army." Said Barragan.

"They are after our friend Orihime."

"She is the 4th invader but she was captured so now we are down to a shinigami, a human and a quincy." Ulquiorra explained.

"You get plenty of shinigami and humans but I cannot believe my eyes is that a quincy?" Asked Szayel Aporro.

"Yes fool. A quincy. Go disect one or better yet, turn him gay." Grimmjow replied.

"Shut up. You're hair is blue."

"You're hair is pink."

"It's not pink its lightish red."

"You lost your rank."

"You lost your arm and your rank."

"You stole my house."

"You stole my youth!"

"What are you two talking about?" Asked Starrk.

"A failed mission resulting in the loss of my youth." Szayel Aporro complained.

"Szayel Aporro. I am about to tell you something and you are going to take it not like a woman but like a man."

"What Nnoitra."

"Shut up."

"Says the one who is always trying to get under every espadas nerves."

"Guys calm down. There is a more important task at hand." Aizen interrupted.

"Hey that one looks fami-famn-fara-"

"Familiar Yammy. It is pronounced familiar."

"That is Ichigo Kurosaki. He is deceptively strong for-"

"He is so strong that I beat him up with one arm." Yammy interrupted.

"You jackass. I was the one who beat him up with a single arm!" Grimmjow replied.

"My arm was tied behind my back."

"No Yammy it was cut off." Ulquiorra corrected.

"My arm was completely destroyed."

"Yes but I managed to take out 3 peopke including Ichigo."

"I took on 3 people including... wait. Dammit."

"That just goes to show you. Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience." Said Aizen.

"How can you call them strong. They look weak as hell."

"You need to find a better voice actor Nnoitra. You sound like a mouse with a deep voice." Said Tia.

"You need to calm down."

"I am perfectly calm. You are the one sweating. Look at you. With a hole in your head."

Grimmjow got up from his chair.

"Hey Grimmjow. Where are you going?"

"I am going to kill these pests."

"No thanks Grimmjow. It wouldn't be any fun if that happened. I would rather stick with my general plan."

"What is your plan?"

"Well it is simple. We go to Karakura town and use the souls to create the ouken which we then invade the royal palace and I become the new soul king."

"Well that would be great. After that I will no longer call you Lord Aizen but King Aizen." Said Zommari.

"About that, non of you will be alive."

"How come?"

"Because you all will be dead. You see two of you would have already been taken out by the invaders. The empty 9th seat and Grimmjow."

"How would I of all people be taken out?"

"Because you were taken out by Ichigo and then afterward Nnoitra finishes Grimmjow and nearly kills Ichigo but then former espada Neliel saves him then fights Nnoitra only to fail to stop him. Meanwhile Zommari and Szayel Aporro will also mobilize and take down the invaders and at the last possible moment when everyone is about to fall, the captains arrive. Szayel Aporro, Nnoitra and Zommari will appear to have the upper hand but then it turns out the captains were just messing with you and easily kill you 3. After that espadas Ulquiorra and Yammy defend Las Noches and die trying while espadas 3 and lower go to Karakura town, besiege the city and die trying."

"Why should we work for you? We were basically created to die."

"Not true. I also plan to kill Tousen. You see his death will be hilarious. He will be like 'Lieutenant. I want to see your face before I die' and then after a happy redemption I swoop in and kill him. It is so hilarious. And Gin well Gin will betray me and he will use his crazy technique which will pierce my chest but nothing will happen and I will kill him afterward."

"Why do you need any of us than?" Grimmjow asked.

"Simple. Because I'm bored."

"I like your honesty. I am in."

"Me too."

"Count me in."

"I am willing to die for King Aizen."

"All hail Lord Aizen!" Said every espada except Grimmjow.

"Don't worry Tousen and Gin. None of that will happen."

"No?" Tousen replied.

"The espada are way too hilarious to die. Seriously. I will keep them just so I can not kill myself out of boredum. And you two. I need you two to keep me safe."

XXXXXXXXX

"Run Yasutora Sado."

"Why though. My opponent looks skinny and weak."

"I don't blame you. You don't know who I am yet." Nnoitra replied.

"You need to run. There is no time to explain."

"I still am waiting for a reason why I shouldn't fight him."

"He is strong!"

"So am I."

"I see you dancing around the idea that I am an espada." Nnoitra added.

"Oh shit I need to run."

"Wait!" Nnoitra yelled.

"What."

"Has my voice actor improved or what?"

"Yeah its way better than the last scene the audience saw."

Chad readied his left arm.

"La Muerte El Diablo!"

Chad punched Nnoitra with everything he had but that only caused him to bend.

"I thought Aizen said not to underestimate you. Too bad he was wrong."

XXXXXXXXX

Ulquiorra walked into Orihime's room.

"Hey woman."

"My name is Orihime."

"Okay whatever you say woman."

"Ugh. What do you want?"

"I want you to eat. I want to see your high metabolism in action."

"How do you know I have high metabolism."

"Have you seen what you eat? I am suprised you cannot sink the Titanic. I am surpised that you are so thin and light as well. Not so much as a flab or a kidney stone."

"Ah please its too much. I thought I was getting fat."

"No. You need to keep eating. Otherwise you might get thin and die."

"Flattery will get you nowhere. Why did you come here?"

"You're friends aree here. I want you to cross them out of your mind. Even Ichigo Kurosaki. Especially Ichigo Kurosaki. He is the first person you should forget. If I were you I would be disgusted with him. I would be angry that he came and chosen to get himself killed. By me."

Orihime slapped Ulquiorra.

"Don't talk about Ichigo like that!"

"Just eat your food. I will go."

"Go where?"

"Somewhere. Maybe with a stepping stool and a rope. Or visit Szayel Aporro."

XXXXXXXXX

"What is going on. Its day time already?" Rukia asked herself.

"On the contrary it is always night time."

Rukia turned to see who said that.

"Hey. Over here."

"Why do you have such a long head."

"You will learn soon enough."

Rukia followed Aaroniero into a chamber.

"Sorry I cannot stand the sunlight. The darkness is the only way I can make my presence known."

"Who the hell are you anyway?"

"My name is Aaroniero. Aaroniero Arruruerie. Also known as the 9th espada."

"You changed your name to something that retarded?"

"Well actually I am Kaien Shiba."

"How are you still alive? I killed you. Ran you through. Dead."

"Oh Rukia. Just like I remember you."

XXXXXXXX

"Are you robbng me?"

"Yes."

"Okay. What do you want. My zanpakuto, my purse, my wallet, my money, my virginity?"

"Virginity?"

"Yes. You might be trying to rape me as well."

XXXXXXXX

"Anyway. Enough of your jokes."

"I know your not Kaien Shiba. I have no idea what you are."

"What ever are you talking about."

"Kaien does not smell like infected cheese on a hot plate."

Rukia blasted a hole in the wall with hado 73.

"Oh shit. The light my number one weakness."

"I think the reason nobody knows you exist is because you spend too much time in the dark."

"At least someone might notice the smell."

"You must die now and I must find Orihime."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. The last thing I need is your pity."

"No I mean I'm sorry but I can't let you do that."

Aaroniero tried to morph back into Kaien.

"Can you not? It will be easier on me to kill you without Kaien's face. This fight is so boring everyone in the audience is sleeping and the writer of this fanfic is rushing to get this over with. Any moment he might make you die for no reason."

"Well I better hurry up and use my ressurrection."

XXXXXXXX

"I have a weird feeling one of the espada used their ressurection. But not a single alive arrancar is in his ressurection."

"This is strange isn't it Master Nnoitra."

"Yeah lets just keep moving."

"Wait. I will not let you move while I have strength."

"Hit me with everything you got than."

Chad moved in for the kill but Tesra blocked his attack.

"Dammit Tesra you fool. Don't get in my way. Ever! Never in your life."

"Nnoitra. I have something to tell you."

"What Tesra."

"I sinned against you master. I caught myself thinking, my spoon is too..."

Nnoitra moved faster than lightning and placed his Santa Teresa at Tesra's neck.

"Too what? Too what? You'ree spoons to what? You're spoons to big? You're spoons to freaking big. Is that what you were gonna say Tesra? Is that what you were gonna say you little bitch?"

"No Nnoitra. I wasn't going to say that."

"What were you gonna say?"

"I caught myself thinking my spoons to small. My spoon is too small."

"That's not what you were gonna say!"

"Yes it was Nnoitra. That is why I have sinned. You and spoons should never be mixed or confused. Please punish me Nnoitra."

"Ugh. I don't know what to do with you."

XXXXXXXXXX

"STD's. Even anime gets them!"

"Hey. Espada! Who gave you permission to break the fourth wall?"

"Sorry."

"You will be."

Meanwhile something happens, Rukia was in the air and Aaroniero had her on a trident.

"Yay the author favors me that is why he warped physics and I have the advantage."

"He gave me a new ability to finish you quickly."

"Wait what?"

"San No Mai."

"Ah shit. Brain freeze!"

"Be quite. You don't have a brain. Or ears. Or a face. Or good looks or a decent smell."

XXXXXXXXX

Ulquiorra laid with his arms over his feet facing the corner and shaking.

"Hey Ulquiorra what's wrong with you?" Asked Grimmjow.

"I think I have Post Tramatic Stress Syndrom."

"What did you do about it."

"Well I injected myself with poison but my hierro stopped that. I then took and acid bath but my hierro protected me. I then hung myself but it turns out hollows don't need fresh air."

'Perfect. This is the best opportunity to strike at Ulquiorra's pride. Orihime! Or maybe I should just let it go.'

"Can you visit the woman."

"Why."

"Loly and Menoly might be there."

Grimmjow disappeared leaving nothing but a dust cloud.

XXXXXXX

"My goodness. That was the worst hole I have ever fell through. I was falling for decades. All I had to entertain myself were fashion magazines." Renji complained.

"This is great."

"Who said that?"

"That would be me. My name is Espada number 8 Szayel Aporro Granz."

"You're name is espada number 8?"

"Oh wait. My rank is espada number 8. My name is Szayel Aporro Granz and other espadas call me gay lord."

"You look gay that is strike one."

"Speaking of strikes. We should do a 3 strike system. 3 Strikes and your out."

"Out of lives?"

"Out of Las Noches."

"Then I will be the first to end you. Bankai! Hihio Zabimaru!"

"I wish I can say that is strike one."

"Are you kidding me?"

Renji's bankai suddenly exploded.

"No I am not."

"That's it. I have my shikai and brute force."

"And I data."

"Roar Zabimaru!"

Renji usedd his shikai to overwhelm Szayel Aporro.

"Here comrs strike one."

"Nope."

Szayel Aporro deflected Renji's attack.

"Dammit."

"Here comes strike one."

Szayel Aporro slashed at Renji.

"Strike one."

"How did you manage to hit me from that distance?"

"Magic."

"That's not fair."

"Yeah well life isn't fair especially when you're in my company."

"What company do you work for?"

"Szayel Industries."

"Well I am going to make strike one now!"

Renji moved in for the kill but his zanpakuto was blocked by Szayel Aporro's hierro.

"How the hell is this fair?"

"I came prepared. Remember, I am the boss of Szayel Industries."

"Master Szayel Aporro!"

"Master Szayel Aporro!"

"Master Szayel Aporro!"

"Master Szayel Aporro!"

"What are they?" Renji asked.

"This is the birth of one of the most annoying opponents in Bleach Brave Souls. Also my fraccions."

"An espada is dead!"

"Dead!"

"Yes dead!"

"Ugh dammit."

"What?"

"I missed everyones reactions. It was so hilarious and I missed it. Hold on a sec."

XXXXXXXX

"Wow. The 9th espada is dead. Wait. There is no 9th espada." Nnoitra contemplated.

XXXXXXXX

"9th espada? Hey Halibel I have a report. Something about the 9th espada."

"You dumb bitch there is no 9th espada." Apacci screamed.

"You think I don't know that? Shut fuck up!"

"Come on guys. Stop arguing. You two are like beasts before our master."

"Shut up Sun Sun!"

"Girls girls. Relax. There is obviously an anomolie we must investigate."

XXXXXXX

"That idiot. He begs me to notice him and then he dies." Barragan sighed.

XXXXXXX

"Huh. I had a dream that someone weak just killed me." Said Yammy.

XXXXXXX

"Starrk!" Lillinette placed her hand in Starrk's mouth causing him to wake up immediately.

"Ah! What the hell."

"Starrk an espada died. I have no idea who?"

"Why are you coming to me?"

XXXXXXXX

"Oh and I got names as well. Rukia Kuchiki also died at the same time."

Renji struck Szayel Aporro with all he had but his hierro blocked it.

"That's it. Strike one. Now move and get out of my way."

"Sorry, we are on even ground. The score is 1-1. First to 3."

"Well all I need to do is get you two more times."

"About that-" Szayel Aporro used high speed regeneration to cover up the scar on his face. "-I am at 0 strikes now."

"What? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"1-0."

"Strike 3 is about to come." Renji manuevered his Zabimaru around Szayel Aporro and used it the grind Szayel Aporro but no damage came out of that.

"No strikes."

"Dammit!"

"I am bored. How about we wrap this up."

"Are you finally going to fight me head on?"

"Hell no. Fracciones. Deal with this guy in the most light manner without getting the body mangled."

Several strange arrancar showed themselves.

"What are those?"

"These are fracciones. I have the most in number but mine are also special."

"How?"

Szayel Aporro sighed.

"I'll fire up the arrancar encyclopedia."

XXXXXXXXXXX

The Arrancar Encyclopedia

"Hello everyone. Today I will teach you about fraccions."

"Fracciones are numbered 11 and up and are chosen subordinates of the espada."

"The fracciones are often close to their espada. Take Starrk and Lillinette. Despite the fact they constantly annoy eachother, they have an unbreakable bond. Tia needs something to keep her occupied and there is a reason she only chose female fracciones. Grimmjow's fracciones were with him since he was an adjuchas hollow. There is no rule about fracciones, in fact mine are very special."

Szayel Aporro pulled out one of his fracciones and took a bite out of it.

"Mine also make a tasty snack."

"Hey Szayel Aporro, I thought I was supposed to do The Arrancar Encyclopedia." Said Gin.

"Sorry. I had to take over."

"What are you eating?"

"Subordinate. Want some?"

"No thanks I had subordinate for lunch."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Ichigo sensed Rukia's reiatsu waning.

"Dammit. I need to save Rukia. But I also need to save Orihime. Which one should I do?"

"I think you should save Orihime and go back for Rukia." Nel suggested.

"Save Rukia. You must save Rukia." Ulquiorra whispered.

"Who said that?"

"You must save Rukia for she is in great danger. She is alive but barely."

"Hm. I could save Orihime and then have her heal Rukia."

Ulquiorra came out and revealed his presence.

"No, I cannot let you be my rival. You must die."

"Why do I have to die. What am I your rival for."

"ImaybeinlovewithOrihime."

"You are in love with Orihime?"

"Dammit. Not again. You must have some telepathy powers."

"Lets talk about this. I like Rukia, you like Orihime, Orihime likes me, I don't like her back."

"I got the solution."

"What is it?"

Ichigo was sure he could avoid direct combat with the highly lethal espada.

"Since I want you out of the picture and Rukia is dying, how about I kill both of you and you can be reunited in the Soul Society. Then me and Orihime can be happy."

"First I find it strange that someone like you can be happy. And second-"

Ichigo put on his vizard mask and fired a getsuga tenshou at Ulquiorra. However Ulquiorra blocked that attack with remarkable strength but was still overwhelmed.

"This is why I call you a rival. You are much likely stronger than I with that mask."

"Really?"

"No!"

Ulquiorra blasted Ichigo with a lethal cero and kicked him into another building. It happened so fast Ichigo didn't know what to do.

"Quite obviously you are the leader of the espada."

"What was the last thing you heard me say before I blasted you."

"Ah crap."

"I am the fourth strongest."

"Quadruple crap."

Ichigo suffered a serious injury in the chest caused by Ulquiorra's arm.

XXXXXXXX

"No Ichigo is dead and the only people left are Uryu and Renji. But look at Renji, can't even handle thhat gay espada."

"Oh. Orihime lets play a little game shall we?"

"Who said that?"

"It's your friends Loly and Menoly."

"I just noticed something."

"What is it."

"You're friend hasn't even spoken a single line of dialogue. Hey Menoly. Are you okay. You good yeah? Hello anyone home?" Orihime's efforts were met with silence.

"She uh, she is dumb."

"Dumb like retarded?"

"No dumb as in can't speak."

"There is so much negative energy in the room. I think I will take a walk." Orihime tried to walk out of the door but Loly fired a bala at it.

"No. I mist be the first to beat you up. That's how the natural order goes!"

A massive explosion blew the wall to pieces.

"What is the deal with all these explosions?" Orihime asked.

"Grimmjow!"

"Loly!"

Both eyes narrowed as if they were trying to make a look that could kill one another.

"Guys cut it out." Orihime demanded.

"Hey Loly. What are you doing here?"

"I am just having fun at someones expense."

"Well the amount of times I couldn't have fun because of you. It's only fair I get my revenge."

"Revenge?"

"You destroyed my favorite door. Prepare to die."

"Favorite door?"

"Ulquiorra can be such a perv sometimes."

"Oh. I thought that was you."

"Stop talking about me like I am not here!" Said Orihime.

"Oh Orihime. I forgot you were here." Grimmjow replied.

"Can we go back tearing her apart?"

"Here's an idea. Get lost!"

Grimmjow slapped Loly all the way across the room. Menoly tried to fire a ceroat Grimmjow but he caught it and fired it back at Menoly.

"Geez. What's her deal. Can she even talk?"

"Damn you Grimmjow. You are going to pay for this."

"How? Credit card, cash, club card, cheque?" Grimmjow walked up to Loly

"You stay away!"

"Boo!"

"Ah shit. Lord Aizen will make you pay."

"Really?"

Grimmjow knocked out Loly with a swift kick.

"I'll tell you something. Women may be clever but Aizen is more clever."

XXXXXXXXX

"Aizen. If you get rid of Grimmjow than I will give you the most appetising treat of your life."

"Oh. What if I keep Grimmjow and replace you. After all you are one in a million and he is one of 10."

XXXXXXXXX

"Seriously. What idiots."

Grimmjow turned to Orihime.

"Okay you. Heal your scars."

"But-"

"Now woman! I have no time for games."

XXXXXXXXX

Szayel Aporro's fraccions kept getting passed Renji's defense and one of them moved in for the kill.

"Notice how the strike system is still 1-0."

A spirit arrow pierced the giant and killed it.

"Wow. That gay lord wiped the floor with you."

"Hey Uryu. Glad you could help."

"So I take it you know the 3 strikes and your out system."

"I watched closely and I-"

Uryu appeared behind Szayel Aporro.

"Am about to deliver strike one."

Uryu fired his Seele Schnieder at Szayel Aporro.

"Well I will give you that."

"What?"

"The score is 1-1-0. You need two more strikes and I am out." Szayel Aporro added.

"That will be easy with my spirit bow. Just need to use Licht Regen."

"About that-"

Uryu's Ginrei Kojaku disappeared.

"-You're toy needs some new batteries."

"Dammit."

Another fraccion tried to attack Uryu but he was knocked over by Renji.

"I am telling you this is cheating. He is using cheat tactics to the 3 strikes and your out system." Renji explained.

"I have an idea. It might scar you for life." Said Uryu.

"What is it?"

Uryu whispered into Renji's ear.

"As long as it puts him down, I don't care." Renji responded.

"Guys step back. Masochist at work here." Szayel Aporro ordered.

Renji spun his Zabimaru in the air and moved closer to Szayel Aporro. He then closed the distance and used his Zabimaru to create minimal distance between him and Szayel Aporro.

"I am sorry. You are not my type. I am not into this sort of thing anyway."

(Cough Szayel Aporro Granz is Szayel Aporro Gay)

"Hado 31 Shakkaho."

The explosive kido damaged Renji severely but Szayel Aporro not so much.

"Damn you Shinigami. I just ironed this shirt!"

"Strike 2." Said Uryu.

"What?"

"3 Strikes and your out? Well guess what Szayel Aporro. Prepare to move out. Here comes strike 3."

Uryu activated his Sprenger and destroyed everything in the pentagram he drew.

"It's amazing that didn't blow up Renji." Said Uryu.

"That's not important. What's important is we win. We delivered strike 3."

"You two are fools." Said Szayel Aporro.

Uryu and Renji turned to Szayel Aporro.

"I am not out. It's 3 strikes and your out. Well guess what. I am not out."

Szayel Aporro grabbed his fraccion and compressed him into a purple ball and ate him.

"Mmmm. Scrumptious."

Szayel Aporro's injuries were all gone.

"What the?"

"Behold Szayel Industries greatest creation. Edible fracciones. When I eat them all my strikes are down to 0."

"That is the ultimate unfair- Life is more fair than that!" Renji complained.

"Oh you have seen nothing yet." Szayel Aporro turned and left.

"Where are you going?"

"Isn't it obvious. To change. I can't fight like this."

"Hey Renji are you alright?"

"Waaaaahhhh! Where were you this whole time?"

"I was hiding with Pesche." Dondochakka replied.

"Glad to see your alive Ichigo."

"I'm Uryu."

XXXXXXXXX

"Szayel Aporro pulled back, Ichigo is dead, Chad and Rukia are in a fatal position. Aaroniero is dead, Nnoitra is on the move and Grimmjow has taken Orihime. Everything is going according to plan." Said Aizen.


	15. The Battle Of Hueco Mundo

The Battle Of Hueco Mundo

"Well well what have we here." Grimmjow kicked Ichigo's body so it was facing upward.

"Looks like something bat dragged in."

"Hey!"

"Who said that? Show yourselves!"

"I'm over here."

"Over where?"

"Grimmjow I am down here."

"Where?"

"Behind you."

"I can't see you."

"I said behind you not to your left."

"I can't see you."

"Down here."

"Oh Neliel? What are you doing here?"

"Ichigo just bought me here. Speaking of which I don't wanna see you do that to Ichigo. Can't you see he is dead."

"Of course I can see he is dead. I am not blind."

"Show some respect for Ichigo."

"Respect is not something I have on the market."

"Well you better get out of here unless you wanna pay your respects to Ichigo!"

"Um."

XXXXXXXX

"Ichigo. You knew me only for a few hours and you helped me and my friends to survive in Las Noches and defend me from several arrancars. I am truly thankful and I will free Orihime for you."

"Hey Ichigo. I don't know you that well. It's strange. I came with a vendetta to kill you and here I am paying my respects. I know Ulquiorra killed you. I think he is going through some sort of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom because of it. It is also worth mentioning that you fascinated me in regards of how you fight even though you know you will not win."

"What should we do now?"

"I have one more guest." Grimmjow unloaded a bag he was carrying with him.

"Grimmjow you could have provided better service. That bag was small, cramped and it smelled. Don't even get me started on the temperature." Said Orihime.

"That was only a temporary residence."

"Oh really. I want a refund." Orihime demanded.

"But your not paying."

"Don't care. I need money for that experience."

"Shut up Orihime. Who gave you permission to speak. I ask the questions you give the answers!" Grimmjow yelled.

"When do the questions start?"

"Hey. I'm asking the questions."

"What kind of questions will you be asking?"

"Orihime!"

"Oh sorry is that a question?"

"God dammit why are you so smart but so annoying?" Grimmjow complained.

"I don't know how to answer that question."

"Dammit. That's it you lost your chance to pay your respects to Ichigo."

"Oh that's Ichigo. I didn't recognise him with that hole in his neck. He looks like Ulquiorra kind of."

"Ulquiorra is your height."

"Oh well. Here are my respects to Ichigo Kurosaki. Soten Kisshun I reject."

"Oh that's why I bought you along."

"You forgot?"

"I was so close to killing you."

"You don't say that to a woman Grimmjow."

Ulquiorra arrived with a sonido.

"Who goes here?" Asked Ulquiorra.

"You blind or something. It's me Grimmjow. This is Orihime and then there is... where did Neliel go?"

"Grimmjow have you lost it?" Asked Ulquiorra.

"Hell no. What makes you think that?"

"Neliel was a former espada. She isn't here, she doesn't exist. Halibel, Nnoitra and Szayel Aporro played a bigger role in Aizen's plan than she did."

"Where the hell is she? I saw her a minute ago!"

"Grimmjow. Do you see Neliel now?" Orihime asked.

"Quit trying to psycho analyse me. I swear I saw her."

"Clearly Grimmjow you are seeing things." Said Ulquiorra.

"If I were you I would be the first one to visit Szayel Aporro." Said Orihime.

"No Aizen."

"Yeah. Aizen could use his Hogyoku."

"Or his Kyoka Suigetsu."

"You can also fast for 40 days and 40 nights."

"And do it with your eyes closed."

"Absence of sight makes the heart grow fonder of eyes."

"You're eyes also might be fixed if you look at Tia for longer enough."

"Yeah. She has this charm that works on men and some women if you know what I mean."

"Yeah. After that you're eyes will pick up every detail instantly."

"Or maybe only details that look like Tia."

"What if you stare at Szayel Aporro."

"Yeah. Then you're eyes will pick up every detail. Szayel Aporro and every individual particle."

"Will you two shut up! I swear you both are made for each other . You two are so much alike! You made a big deal over my inability to find Neliel."

"Hey I'm over here."

"Did you hear something woman?"

"My name is not woman!"

"Guys stop arguing I'm over hear."

"I can't see you." Said Ulquiorra.

"Me neither."

"Guys she is over there." Grimmjow sighed.

"Oh. Hi Nel."

"You look a bit small to be Neliel."

"Well I can't help it if I am so thin."

"I said small not thin."

"Hey Ulquiorra. You are causing a disturbance. Get lost!" Grimmjow ordered.

"I can't. I must take the woman."

"NO!" Grimmjow charged at Ulquiorra and fired a cero at him.

"Well I might take this opportunity to-" Ulquiorra charged a cero aimed at Ichigo but Grimmjow caught his cero and both espada's started charging the cero with all their power.

"Let go it's my cero!" Grimmjow demanded.

"Get out of my way Grimmjow!"

"You first!"

Ulquiorra sonido'd out of the way but Grimmjow turned that cero into a Gran Rey Cero and blew the roof off the building.

"Ulquiorra. Say hello to your life before becoming an arrancar." Grimmjow threw a Caja Negaccion into Ulquiorra's hollow hole.

"What did you do to Ulquiorra?" Asked Orihime.

"I placed a ca-caga-kGa-haha- dammit. Where's Ulquiorra when you need him?"

"He is inside another dimension remember?"

XXXXXXXX

"Caja Negaccion Grimmjow. It is pronounced Caja Negaccion."

XXXXXXXX

"Hey woman. Hurry up and heal Ichigo."

"You are starting to sound like Ulquiorra."

"Shut up and heal Ichigo so I can pound him into meat."

"You shouldn't have said that because now I am not going to heal him!"

"Don't make angry! It wasn't a request it was an instruction. Do as I command!"

"Or what?"

"Or I will hurt you severely!"

"Oh but if you hurt me that will weaken my will and then I can't heal Ichigo. After all time is of the essence."

"Would you like Ichigo to die?"

"He's already dead."

"Ulquiorra?"

"Not my lover yet."

"Dammit woman stop being defiant!"

Grimmjow placed his hand over Orihime's neck.

"Stop it Grimmjow!" Ichigo grabbed Grimmjow's arm.

"Hey Ichigo your alive!" Said Orihime.

"Let go of me!"

"Okay Orihime. Let's make a run for it."

"No! The plot calls for a long massive fight between you and Grimmjow."

"Fine."

XXXXXXXX

"Hey. Grimmjow is distorting the atmosphere."

"Is this a sign of the apocalypse?"

"He used a Gran Rey Cero. It's so hot."

"Gran Rey Cero's are one of the many illegal things in Las Noches. Grimmjow shouldn't fire something that powerful."

"Mila Rose, shut the fuck up. Name one espada who follows the rules better than Grimmjow."

"Try every espada."

"Firing Gran Rey Cero's and calling them normal cero's does not make them normal."

"Girls stop fighting. You both look like men. The other espada at least."

"Shut up Sun Sun! Mind your own business will you!" Both of Tia's fracciones yelled.

"You two need to calm down. It's making you unattractive. I have no idea why Tia made you her fracciones."

"She should make Barragan's sick tranny guy her fraccion. It makes him or her or it look better next to you." Apacci replied.

"Are you suggesting him because he is the only one you can compete with?"

"Girls. Girls. Calm down. I am trying to get my beauty sleep." Tia complained.

"You were sunbathing with a pillow on your face." Apacci replied.

"Zommari is known to punch people in their faces when sleeping."

"It's okay Master..."

"That's mistress to you."

"Um. Sure." Mila Rose finished.

"If Zommari tried to do that to you, we would be the first to wake you up." Said Sun Sun.

"Well. I am currently bored so let me take this carbon monoxide and go back to sleep."

"Is that carbon monoxide?"

"Yeah. Szayel Aporro said it was scientifically proven to make people sleepy."

"Master."

"Mistress." She corrected.

"If you're bored why not watch the fight between Grimmjow and this invader."

"Oh he is the invader from earlier. He was the one who was killed by Ulquiorra."

"Ulquiorra killed him?"

"Yeah. Look's like he joined the espada. I bet this is just another spa with the 9th espada and the 6th."

"But didn't the 9th espada die?"

"No. There was no 9th espada."

XXXXXXXXX

"I sense an epic fight happening. And I am not in it! Ichigo why are all the epic fights with you in it?" Kenpachi complained.

"If you want you can come to Hueco Mundo instead of me." Soi Fon suggested.

"Oh yes. I sense an epic fight a filler and approximately 5 more episodes away!"

"You just wanted to see Yoruichi beat up Aizen didn't you." Said Byakuya.

"You can't prove that!"

XXXXXXXXX

"Dammit. You can't beat me. You are too weak."

"I am stronger than you. Grimmjow you need to give up. This is a loosing battle."

"No! I must beat you. It's either you are me!" Grimmjow charged but Ichigo noticed it wasn't toward him. A laser was being shined on the ground. Suddenly a giant weapon hit Grimmjow and knocked him over.

"Oh no. Grimmjow lost against the laser pointer." Said Nnoitra.

Nnoitra walked closer to Ichigo.

"Damn you Nnoitra. You tricked me into thinking that Ichigo was the embodiment of the dot devil."

"Oops. My bad. Good work Tesra."

"Yay. Master Nnoitra noticed me."

"Hey." Ichigo called.

"Ugh. What do you want?" Nnoitra asked.

"Why did you do this to Grimmjow? He was a fine lad."

"He pierced your girlfriends body, severely injured you, almost killed your girlfriend, caused massive destruction in your city, Aizen's plan only knows what Grimmjow did to your other friend, he imprisoned your friends future boyfriend, threatened your woman, stuffed her in a bag, almost killed her with a Gran Rey Cero, did everything in his power to kill you and you still call him nice."

"Well yeah."

"Hey Grimmjow. Not only were you defeated by this moron but he might have the hots for you."

"Shut up! I do not like Grimmjow!"

"That's what you said about Renji, Uryu, Chad, Orihime, Byakuya, Kenpachi and Rukia."

"At no point did I not say I don't like them and how do you know their names?"

"All anomalies can be related to Aizen's dumb plan."

"I am surprised Aizen doesn't get you for this."

"I am not afraid of Aizen." Nnoitra swung his Santa Teresa at Ichigo.

"Why are you so strong. You look so skinny I could use you as a toothpick. Or a spoon."

"Oh. Ichigo has really done it." Nel whispered.

"That guy is going to die." Said Tesra.

"I am going to go before things get out of hand." Orihime tried to walk away but Tesra grabbed her.

"Look at this. I am in a position to do anal right now." Tesra smirked.

"Ichigo help me! There is a pervert who has taken me prisoner!"

XXXXXXXX

"Ulquiorra's blog number 123; I grow sick. I am unable to correct peoples mispronunciations nor am I able to save woman when she is in danger. This caja negaccion is really a pain. I can sense it. Woman is about to get sexually assaulted."

XXXXXXXX

"What did you say?" Nnoitra asked.

"I said I could use you as a spoon."

Nnoitra flattened Ichigo with his hand then swung his Santa Teresa hitting Ichigo like a golf ball.

"Ow. That really hurt!"

"Next time you shouldn't call me a spoon."

"Why not?"

"Because nobody can make fun of me and get away with it!"

"Hey Nnoitra. Can you please stop moving. My satellite connection keeps getting disrupted because of your constant moving." Tia yelled.

"How is your connection suffering because of my movements?"

"Simple. You keep changing the channel everytime you tilt the direction of your dish."

"How come she gets to get away with it?" Ichigo asked.

"Because. She is too far away."

"That's not all is it?"

"You're right. Take a closer look at her."

Ichigo focused on the arrancar and only one thing came to his mind once he could properly see her. She may be the hottest babe Ichigo has ever laid eyes on.

"Hey are you thinking about that woman?" Nnoitra asked.

"Yes. How did you know?"

"I can see you're bodies physical reaction."

"What!"

Ichigo tried to think about disgusting thoughts. Turn offs. Bugs, toe nails, a day with Kenpachi.

"Ichigo. How can you fall victim to your over there in a time like this?" Orihime asked.

"It's not my fault. She distracted me."

"That thing is obviously going to be a distraction to you. Better get rid of it." Nnoitra aimed his Santa Teresa at Ichigo's dick.

"Stop it! Don't hurt my everything!"

XXXXXXXX

"It seems you have given him a real disadvantage Tia." Said Sun Sun.

"Not my fault. He was just perving on me."

"The thing about you Master- I mean Mistress is that nobody can resist you." Mila Rose replied.

"Yeah. I swear, you are like medusa. Any man who looks at you turns into stone." Apacci added.

"Well I can't help but look good. How do you fight it off anyway? Do you also turn into stone or something?"

"Fighting you off is way harder than it looks." Said Apacci.

"There's something we agree on." Mila Rose added.

XXXXXXXXX

"Remember kids. While the sexual jokes are still in the air. Life is like a penis. Simple, relaxed and free hanging. It's the women that make it hard." Said Szayel Aporro.

"How did you get here? And why are we back here?" Uryu asked.

"Simple. I reworked the corridors, the pathways, everything. I am back in action."

"Aizen dammit." Renji said.

"No its not Aizen dammit. It is... wait you got it right."

"What did you expect us to say?" Asked Uryu.

"Aizen's plan dammit."

"Hey Szayel Aporro. When can we cut to the chase?" Renji asked.

"Well. My fracciones somehow disappeared so I guess I have no choice but to start a stand up comedy."

"A what?"

Szayel Aporro pulled out a microphone.

"Testing." The microphone made a loud scream.

"That thing nearly killed my ear drums." Said Renji.

"Why did the shinigami cross the road?"

"I don't know." Uryu replied.

"To kill the quincies on the other side."

"You're an asshole."

"I heard Nnoitra became a teacher. It is too bad he only had one pupil."

"I don't know what he is referring to." Said Renji.

"Come on. The eye patch. The one eye. The one pupil. Nobody got it."

"That is terrible."

"Well. Grimmjow was coughing up hair balls last night. I thought it was a catastrophe but now he is feline much better."

"Boo!"

"This is on right."

"Unfortunately."

"I just remembered I have to not be here." Pesche tried to run but Renji grabbed him.

"If we have to be here. So do you." Renji responded.

"Come on this is as good as it gets."

"This is worse than Aizen's ability to kill anyone who isn't his subordinate." Said Pesche.

Renji and Uryu chuckled a little.

"Seriously. What is he going to do to the Soul King? Make him kill himself?"

Renji and Uryu were still giggling.

"Don't listen to him! Hey you stop being funny!"

"How about you start being funny." Pesche replied.

"Oh you want to see a joke? I'll give you one."

"Wow. Assuming I don't kill myself."

"So. What is white at the top and black at the bottom."

Everybody sighed.

"Society. This is why every gang of thugs needs at least one white man in it. Because when shit goes down. Somebody needs to talk to the police."

"That was sadly the funniest joke I heard from him." Said Uryu.

"Black people are just naturally afraid of the police."

XXXXXXXX

Zommari was stopped by Rudoborn.

"Spread your cheeks and lift your sac."

"What the fuck?"

"You heard me. Spread open your cheeks and lift your sac."

"I am an espada. Check my tattoo it will prove who I am. What does that prove? I can't go to Aizen like that."

XXXXXXXX

"I don't have any id wait a minute check my ass."

"Oh I'm sorry Mr. Black right this way. Why didn't you spread your cheeks sooner?"

"I thought this was a bad joke stand up comedy." Said Renji.

"If you want a bad joke. I will give you a bad joke. The fact such spoiled brats such as yourself dare not laugh at my initial jokes. I had to pull out my best material. That to me is the worst joke I ever heard."

"Try running through long corridors, steep stairs and falling through holes that take forever to fall through." Renji replied.

"Sip Fornicarás."

Szayel Aporro's transformation caused a multitude of sounds. Mostly moaning in the sexual kind of way.

"My gaydar is off the scales." Said Uryu.

"Szayel Aporro's gayness is over 9000!" Renji added.

"Oh I think I'm on my period." Szayel Aporro squirted purple goo out of his back and into the air.

The liquids cremated Renji and Uryu.

"Ugh. It got in my mouth!" Uryu screamed.

Renji and Uryu clones emerged from the liquid.

"You might be a bigger troll than Aizen." Said Uryu.

"Me? Please I could never even if I wanted to."

XXXXXXXX

"Hey where did Nel go? Nel? Neliel? Nel where are you? Come at so I can kill you you fuck stick!" Nnoitra called.

"I will not let you lay a hand on Nel." Ichigo charged toward Nnoitra.

"Hey asshole."

"What?"

"Fuck off." Nnoitra swung his Santa Teresa at Ichigo and brought him to the ground.

"Stop that. Can't you see that Ichigo is hurt?" Orihime cried.

"Silence. Can't you see I am a praying mantis. I prey on the weak. I catch you off guard." Nnoitra replied.

"You didn't catch him. Grimmjow did."

"Good point. Now allow me my counter point." Nnoitra pulled Ichigo's hand causing him to scream.

"Please stop mantis man!" Ichigo cried.

"He isn't a preying mantis. He is a hooded mantis."

"Who said that?" Asked Nnoitra.

"It's me. Neliel."

"So you finally reverted to your old form have you?"

"Yay. Nnoitra can prove his dominance over Nel." Tesra said in a quite and passive/excited voice.

XXXXXXX

"Hey look. Master, another woman." Apacci pointed out.

"Oh she is so good you can't call me mistress?"

"No. Another woman look. She has like emerald hair or something."

"Oh its her. She will never get a girlfriend as beautiful as me however."

"True that."

XXXXXXXX

"So Neliel. How do you plan to finish our unfinished business?" Nnoitra asked.

"How about, we slice it in pieces!" Neliel slashed Nnoitra across his chest.

"How did you manage to cut me?"

"I can cut your hierro like a hot knife through butter."

Nnoitra tried to cleave Neliel in half but she jumped in the air and avoided it.

"Hey. I can see your pussy."

"Yay. Nnoitra finally saw what was underneath Neliel's pants." Said Tesra in a quite but excited and somewhat passive voice.

Nnoitra tried to search for Neliel.

"Hey Nel where are you?"

"Over here."

"Over where?"

"Behind you dumbass."

Nnoitra turned around and saw Neliel.

"Falcon Punch!" Neliel sent Nnoitra flying.

"That was for being a peeping Tom you pervert."

Nnoitra got up and fired a cero.

"Eat this!"

"As you wish." Neliel replied.

Neliel sucked Nnoitra's cero into her mouth and fired it back outward to Nnoitra.

"No Master Nnoitra was defeated." Said Tesra in a depressed, quite and passive voice.

Tesra went after Nnoitra.

"Hey Nel. My wrist is kind of broken. Mind spitting on me?" Ichigo asked.

"What if I use Soten Kisshun? That will work right?"

"Oh sorry Orihime. It's just that... Ok I got nothing. Can I please get reunited with my sister?"

"But Nel is an arrancar and you are part human, part hollow, part shinigami, part quincy, part vizard and part fullbringer."

"Brother!"

"Wait Nel. You might-"

Neliel's grip on Ichigo became so strong that it started choking him.

"Ichigo are you sure you don't want me to heal you?" Asked Orihime.

"Yeah. I'm fine." Ichigo barely said.

"Dammit Tesra. Stop sounding so passive." Nnoitra stood up from his injuries.

"But Nnoitra, your hood. It is- it is broken."

"It's fine. It's not like I was gonna use it anyway."

"Hey Nnoitra I told you to stop moving and look now my satellite connection is down because that woman totally kicked your ass." Yelled Tia.

"This is getting ridiculous." Said Orihime.

"Shut up! I will beat you up if you don't shut up right now."

"I see you gotten to know Nnoitra." Said Neliel.

"Yeah. He is a real jerk. I swear Aizen never punishes this guy. Ever."

"Yeah. He once said the you know what word to Aizen."

"He says more than the you know what word. I don't even know how Aizen puts up with him."

"Well he can ignore one espada. I guess he can ignore two."

"Stop talking about me. You two deserve to live in the kitchen!"

"Yeah!"

"Hey Tesra. Shut up."

XXXXXXXX

"Hey what happened to the three strikes and your out system?" Asked Renji.

"You still wanna play that game?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"Hell no!" Said both Uryu and Renji.

"Okay fine. I will instead give you an advantage. This will be most valuable to you seeing as you are struggling so badly."

"What is the advantage."

"Why haven't you put two brain cells together and realize I have unsealed the trap that replaces bankai's and spirit bows with confetti."

"Because every time they try to use a bankai or spirit bow it turns into confetti!" Uryu replied.

One of the Uryu clones summoned a spirit bow but it exploded and made a loud sound to go with it as well as spraying confetti everywhere.

"Fine. I allow you to use your bankai's and spirit bows."

"Yay. I finally get to defeat all of you and escape this stupid place." Said Renji.

"You forget that they can use bankai to." Szayel Aporro responded.

"Bankai! Hihio Zabimaru!"

"You idiot. You can't use something that powerful here!"

"Bankai!"

"Bankai!"

"Bankai!"

"Bankai!"

"Bankai!"

XXXXXXXX

Zoom to the outside structure.

*We present to you the WTF Boom clip on top of Szayel Aporro's palace exploding.

"Glad you survived long enough to see my genius plan at work."

"Shut up Renji. Your plan is stupid."

"How dare you destroy my palace. I worked so hard to make it and you just blown it to smithereens." Said Szayel Aporro.

"Thus ends attack of the clones. Now I ain't cleaning up that mess." Szayel Aporro added.

"Neither are we!" Uryu fired his Ginrei Kojaku at Szayel Aporro but he blocked it with his wings.

"Behold. Szayel Industries must live on. Fortunately, this is only a small setback. In fact this isn't even a set back."

"What are you going to do?" Asked Renji.

"See these butterfly wings?"

"Yeah."

"They allow me to sew together a doll. I like to play with these dolls."

Szayel Aporro pulled a voodoo doll out of nowhere.

"Is that supposed to be me?" Uryu asked.

"Yes it is. Say good night." Szayel Aporro snapped one of the organs of the doll.

"Ow my lugnuts!" Barragan yelled.

"Oops. I must have did something wrong." Szayel Aporro smashed another organ.

"Aw there goes my last kidney. I was saving that one for a special occasion."

"Thankfully I still have his spleen ball."

"You are a monster." Said Renji.

"How old is that guy who's kidney you crushed." Asked Uryu.

"Not even Aizen's plan knows."

"How are you going to defeat us now."

"With my hands behind my back and the power of telekinesis."

Szayel Aporro crushed Uryu's stomach causing him to vomit it out.

"Did you just vomit your own stomach out?"

"This is fun."

XXXXXXX

"Hey Neliel. It's been a long time since I saw that ridiculous resurrection form of yours."

"Oh yeah. That reminds me." Neliel pulled out a bucket.

"You missed out on a whole lot of in my absence." She added.

"You not going to get me to milk you. Are you. Seriously are you?"

"Nnoitra!"

"No! I refuse. You are not an espada anymore."

"But I still outrank you. You don't have the third position anymore or at all. You never had it."

"Well I will show off my resurrection to you about now!" Said Nnoitra.

"Breeze Gamuza!" Neliel transformed.

"Ha! I tricked you into using your resurrection before I did. Prepare to meet your maker!"

"I already met him. Aizen right?"

"Right."

"Here's the problem with your plan Nnoitra. It's nowhere as good as Aizen's plan."

Neliel suddenly reverted into her child form again.

"Are you sure about that?" Nnoitra kicked Nel.

"No! Not Nel."

"Hey dumbass. Sit down." Nnoitra slammed Ichigo's head into the sand.

"Tesra. He's all yours."

XXXXXXXX

Szayel Aporro felt something slimy touch his hair.

"Agh! It's so slimy and it's in my hair! Get it off! Get it off!" Szayel Aporro screamed.

It started raining that slimy substance.

"Oh. I should've used an umbrella."

Szayel Aporro used his wings to shield himself but the slimy substance got through and Szayel Aporro was soaked in the slimy substance.

"This is great."

"Ha! Got you Szayel Aporro! Now watch me as I hit you from where you least expect it!" Pesche grabbed into his loin cloth and started shaking.

"Okay that's disgusting."

"Wait it is going to come out." Said Pesche.

Pesche slashed Szayel Aporro's arm with a blade he was concealing.

"Nice to show my superior swordsman skills."

"You are annoying!"

Pesche and Dondochakka fused their cero's together and fired it at Szayel Aporro.

"Aren't you supposed to do the fusion dance or something?" Asked Szayel Aporro.

XXXXXXX

"Women. They are just a burden to society. Especially when they have flat chests like that." Said Zommari.

XXXXXXX

"For some reason the scene keeps changing to show off how badly the protagonists are losing. Oh well. Let's kill these Illegal Mexican Immigrants." Said Rudoborn.

XXXXXXX

"Because you didn't do the fusion dance. I was able to defuse your cero. You really need to watch Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball Xenoverse and Dragon Ball Super."

"Dammit. Why do we keep losing all the time?" Uryu complained.

XXXXXXX

"Well it looks like everybody will die. Tesra finish it. End his life."

Tesra moved in for the kill but his powerful lunge was stopped but an even more powerful block.

"What's going on here? Yachiru, you gave me false directions again. This isn't an epic fight!"

"Okay. It's obvious. Death may not be as painless as I would think but regardless this is obviously hell. Orihime is still here, that fucked up espada, Nel is still gone, I feel like shit, I am still in Hueco Mundo and to top it off, the only thing that could possibly make it worse is standing right in front of me."

"Why Ichigo. Every time I see you, you feel like shit. But today is your lucky day." Said Kenpachi.

"Prove it. How can my day be any better?"

Kenpachi sliced Tesra in half.

"No. I still wanted to serve Nnoitra throughout my existence." Tesra cried in a passive and quite voice.

"I can't believe it. You sliced that guy open in one move."

"Have you gotten weak Ichigo? You've gotten weak. Why does the one person I depend on for a good fight get weak when I most need a refreshing fight?"

"Kenpachi. You can't fight that espada. He is too powerful. I ban you from fighting him."

Kenpachi kicked Ichigo in the stomach.

"You think you can have an epic fight with Grimmjow and not let me have so much as one epic fight? Is that what you think?"

"Listen you beast. You will pay for killing my servant who's name I cannot remember for the life of me. Prepare to die."

"Yachiru. Get the camera. This is gonna be awesome!"

Yachiru set the camera on record.

"Now Kenny can really enjoy his fight with nobody interrupting him."

XXXXXXX

"Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha..."

"You don't have to keep mocking us with your fake laugh." Said Uryu.

"Wait wait. There's more. Ha."

"I sense spiritual pressure that is familiar."

Szayel Aporro turned around.

"Who are you. I don't recall inviting any clowns to this party."

"Don't insult yourself. You are the clown." Mayuri replied.

"I do not look like those killer clowns going around London on the 10th of October 2016 killing school children. I was one of the people being chased."

"Killer clowns? They probably want to give you a hug."

"He was carrying a 10 inch machete and you expect me to believe he is gonna give me a hug."

"His comedian act certainly improved."

"Hey don't mind the machete, let me give you kiss. NO! FUCK OFF! But I just want to show you my love. WITH A 10 INCH MACHETTE?"

XXXXXXX

"Now pass on. You flat chested female shinigami."

Zommari's sword swiftly ran through the air and stopped about a yoctometer away from Rukia's skin due to the cliche that whenever you hear a small noise you immediately stop killing whoever you are trying to kill.

"That may be a flat chested female shinigami but she is my flat chested female shinigami."

Zommari stared at Byakuya.

"This is not incest." Byakuya added.

"Oh. Incest would make you disabled."

"I know."

"You wanna keep being white and a man. Now you can decide her fate."

"What kind of racist arrancar are you?"

"I am going to be Aizen's assistant during judgement day. That way I can separate heaven and hell from the white people and the black people."

"Will you sentence yourself to hell so I don't have to send you?"

"Yes I will but first. I cannot allow you to pass your resolution to free this woman."

"I am trying not to fight you. You and that other espada are so uninteresting I think I might pull out my bankai right away."

"But first you must deal with my-"

"Bankai. Scatter Senbonzakura Kageyoshi."

"Wait you didn't deal with cloning sonido trick or my eyes."

"Goodbye dumb espada. I really can't be bothered to fight you and the author cannot parody this fight."

"Is it the building? I think it's the building. Both uninteresting fights happened inside a building."

"No it's just that you need to die to make everyone happy."

Byakuya killed Zommari.

"Okay. Now to heal Rukia, wait." Byakuya realized his Senbonzakura flower pedals severely injured Hanataro.

"It's okay Byakuya. Unohana sent me to heal both injuries." Isane Kotetsu said.

XXXXXXX

"Oh dear. You just got voodooized. Whatever will you do?" Szayel Aporro grabbed a piece of an organ and destroyed it causing Mayuri to vomit on Uryu's face.

"Ugh! It got in my mouth!" Uryu screamed.

"Ugh I think I'm on my period again." Szayel Aporro sprayed purple substance all over Uryu.

"Oh Aizen's plan it got in my mouth again! Got any more fluids you scientists would like to spray on me now you stupid cunts!"

Pesche fired his infinite slick at Uryu's face causing him to sigh.

"I knew I should've stayed with my dad today."

"Torturing the quincy is fun. Say your a scientist, why aren't you trying to preserve quincies?"

"Because they are such inferior beings. I have no use for them." Mayuri replied.

"Up for some hunting. I heard its quincy breeding season."

"No. Just no."

One of Szayel Aporro's tentacles erupted from the ground and caught Nemu.

"Somebody laugh at my jokes or the girl gets it!"

"I'm sorry but even I don't get your jokes. In my personal opinion, you should die just for your terrible sense of humor."

"Shut up! Hostage. You will speak only when spoken to!"

"Well since I am being spoken to now, first of all I am not your hostage. I may look like a hostage but I am not."

"Bankai. Konjiki Ashisogi Jizo."

Mayuri summoned a giant caterpillar which breathed a toxic poison.

"Oh god. What are you doing to my skin?"

"I am improving it. It will look better once you are dead."

"You are blistering it!"

Konjiki Ashisogi Jizo picked up Szayel Aporro and presumably ate him.

"You defeated Szayel Aporro. I thought that could never be done." Said Renji.

Nemu began to scream in pain.

"I think I'm on my period!"

"Wait a second. I recognise that dialogue. That's not Nemu. It's Szayel Aporro." Uryu noticed.

"I'm glad you recognized that." Szayel Aporro crawled out of Nemu's down there.

"Aren't you supposed to come out of her mouth?" Renji asked.

"I know what's in the mouth. I don't want to be known as someone who will die over the course of a few million years." Said Szayel Aporro.

"Well espada. Welcome to the family." Said Mayuri.

"Welcome?" Szayel Aporro was confused.

"Yes. You just came out of Nemu's whom and therefore she is now your birth mother."

"Wait so my mother died at birth before I was born and I am my own father because I impregnated her and made her give birth to me and on top of that, she is not only my wife but my mother as well? Not to mention that you are my grandfather?"

"Let me break down everything that is wrong with that." Said Mayuri.

Konjiki Ashisogi Jizo spat out Szayel Aporro number 1.

"What the- that looks like me."

"Hey what am I doing over there? Aren't I over hear."

"You see that was not a resurrection technique. It was an advanced cloning technique." Mayuri explained.

"Meaning?" Szayel Aporro 2 asked.

"You just caused an anomaly there are two of you. But don't worry my bankai will fix that."

Konjiki Ashisogi Jizo ate Szayel Aporro 1 for real.

"Now. He was your father, my lieutenant was your mother. But what if I said he died at birth."

"He? That is my mother you are talking about!"

"Yes but if you call yourself a researcher, you would know that my lieutenant actually had a dick and therefore you erupted from his dick and called him your mother which maybe technically true because he was the one who gave birth to you or he may be your father. Depends on how you look at it."

Szayel Aporro suddenly died of a stroke.

"Is she really a man?" Asked Uryu.

"No she isn't." Mayuri answered.

"Well that's too bad. Szayel Aporro was the first to claim her virginity." Uryu complained.

"Get your mind out of the gutter. Your not going to knock up my daughter any day of the week. Dead or alive."

XXXXXXX

"What the fuck is going on?" Nnoitra screamed.

"Looks like that shinigami is really tearing Nnoitra a new one." Apacci noted,

"Yeah. He looks crazy but you should see him on the battlefield." Said Mila Rose.

"This man is a beast. Nnoitra might pass out on the battlefield." Said Sun Sun.

"He also looks the kind to not go full pervert on me."

"Hey shinigami. If you kill that guy we can give you a much more thrilling fight!" Said Apacci.

"You dumb bitch. What if Tia doesn't want to fight him." Mila Rose replied.

"Calm down. This is a good opportunity to test out his strengths. Tia might be happy for a warm up." Sun Sun responded.

"Hey shut up you dumb bitch! Can't you see I am fighting a weak espada here."

"What did you call me."

"I called you weak! You don't deserve to be called strong."

"Oh shinigami. Hurry up and kill him. I will give you the hardest and most intense fight you will ever have in your life."

"Hey Ichigo. Is it just me or is that woman kind of hot. Kenny would never fall for her though."

"Why not?" Asked Ichigo.

"The only thing that turns Kenny on is hot fights not hot chicks."

"What about you?" Asked Orihime.

"Same."

Kenpachi slashed Nnoitra's skin but failed to cut him.

"Your blade is so soft. Just like your technique!" Nnoitra slashed Kenpachi with his Santa Teresa.

"What a biased fight. You can cut me but I can't cut you."

"I bet you wish you could kill me now."

"No. Lets make this fight longer so I can have some more fun. What do ya say?"

"Don't mess with me boy!"

Kenpachi attacked Nnoitra but missed and caused a sand cloud. Nnoitra spun his Santa Teresa causing a sandy tornado then he threw his Santa Teresa toward Kenpachi.

"Hey."

"What?"

"Give me your sword!"

"That's not a sword that's my Santa Teresa."

Kenpachi grabbed Nnoitra's face and threw him in the sand and then drove his blade into Nnoitra but he dodged it.

"You dodged. Dodging means its dangerous."

"You cannot cut me. I am Luke Cage!"

Kenpachi stabbed Nnoitra through the eye patch.

"Luke Cage is bullet proof. Not stabby proof."

"Your sword can never cut me. I am immune to physical attacks!"

Nnoitra stabbed Kenpachi in his abdomen but that only triggered laughter.

"Stop that! It tickles. You're going to make me giggle!"

"What the fuck are you?"

"Some say my mother was a train! (Abridged reference). Others say I am what happens when you get hit by an 18 wheeler and a bullet train."

Kenpachi sliced Nnoitra vertically and scratched him.

"Ow. I can see blood."

"So it looks like I finally cut you."

"Don't get so excited. You will never cut me again!"

Kenpachi sliced Nnoitra again.

"Says who?"

"Damn you. Why are you so crazy?"

Nnoitra knocked Kenpachi's eye patch off.

"There are not enough fights going on to please me!" Kenpachi slashed Nnoitra causing a massive wound.

"What kind of insanity is this? Don't you have a hint of sanity?"

"Sanity? What would I do with something as useless as that!"

"Very well. If you insist on being such a monstrous creature. I too will become a beast. Prey Santa Teresa!"

Nnoitra's body transformed and he grew an extra 4 arms.

"Oh yeah. The real fight begins. Ichigo, now starts the battle more epic than you versus Grimmjow which achieved a censorship in epicness!"

"Actually the fight was skipped." Ichigo replied.

"Now that you are at your full power, let's finish this!" Kenpachi charged toward Nnoitra only for his attack to get blocked and Kenpachi to be kicked meters away.

"Oh. So you're dead it seems." Nnoitra focused on Yachiru.

"I better kill all the madmen before they repopulate."

"You might wanna look behind you." Said Yachiru as Kenpachi rose back up.

"There is no way I am falling for that trick."

"Seriously. You want to look behind you."

Nnoitra turned around and Kenpachi sliced one of his arms off.

"You concentrated all your power and only sliced off one arm. How pathetic!"

"And I am planing to cut off all your arms one by one slowly and most definitely painfully."

"Great job Kenny. If you slice off all his arms than he can't fight."

"Oh. I will leave you one arm."

"You're an idiot. I thought you would be happy fighting someone with more arms. Imagine fighting someone with one arm. That's the worst disadvantage ever. Also." Nnoitra regenerated his broken arm.

"I can regenerate my lost arms. Now you are history."

"So you are playing hard to get. I like it that way!"

Nnoitra and Kenpachi traded blows but it ended with Kenpachi's blade trying to slice Nnoitra only to be stopped by 4 scythes.

"What's the matter espada? Am I too strong for you?"

Nnoitra pierced Kenpachi's flesh with another arm.

"Remember when I said I would tear you apart with all six of my arms!"

"You never said that." Orihime commented.

"Yes I did!"

"No you didn't." Ichigo replied.

"You didn't say anything about six arms." Yachiru added.

"Well now I have six arms!"

"And we are even!" Said Kenpachi.

"How?"

"We both have holes in us."

"Is this Kenpachi cussing someone? He just cussed the hole in his head." Said Ichigo.

"You are ridiculous. I have six arms and you have several injuries which I have non."

"That makes you all the harder to kill. Bring out some more arms and entertain me!"

Nnoitra ran up one of the red buildings and sliced it causing the top to fall onto Kenpachi but the captain slice it in two and Nnoitra came through the top of the building yelling "Incoming!"

"You shouldn't yell incoming. You should catch me by surprise dumbass."

Nnoitra slashed Kenpachi but that provoked only laughter. Nnoitra kept slicing and slashing Kenpachi but it made him laugh even more.

"WILL YOU STOP LAUGHING! WHAT IS SO FUNNY ABOUT GETTING SLICED UP?"

"Okay fine. If I am not allowed to laugh then I might as well say, nice knowing you Nnoitra. It's been a fun fight."

"You talk as if this fight is over!" Nnoitra charged at Kenpachi but Kenpachi put both hands on his zanpakuto and swung downward inflicting massive damage on Nnoitra.

"You're still alive? That's good. Get stronger so I can beat you again."

"Shut up! A beast like you must learn to..."

Kenpachi ended Nnoitra's life with one sword swing.

"I can't help but feel I've seen this before." Said Ichigo.

XXXXXXX

"No! I must beat you. It's either you are me!" Grimmjow charged but Ichigo noticed it wasn't toward him. A laser was being shined on the ground. Suddenly a giant weapon hit Grimmjow and knocked him over.

XXXXXXX

"I guess it is payback for Grimmjow."

XXXXXXX

"My espada are losing? Don't worry its all part of my plan."


End file.
